Monday, January 25, 2010

Knowing when to get up and leave.


If you don't love the first 10 minutes, why do you sit in your chair for another half hour before you decide to leave the theater? Or why do you stay for the whole thing just to writhe in pain and agony?

I contest that you know by the end of the first sequence if you're going to like the movie or not. The trick is to watch for signs, and realize the signs when you see them.

ALL movies know to establish a genre. Usually when we go to a movie we know what genre the movie falls in, and this is what upsets us about What Dreams May Come. (The previews say it's a, "feel good movie," yet we leave the theater trying to slit our wrists.)

Example. Ace Ventura is a comedy. The first scene consists of Ace dressed as a delivery boy as he kicks around his "fragile" package. It's a comedy and it starts with a laugh.

We should know if we're scared, the movie is a horror film. If we're laughing, there's a chance we're watching a comedy. If we're crying, there's a chance the movie sucks. If the screenwriter has chosen to omit a genre-inspired opening, then there's a good chance you're watching a really bad movie. But, then again, you may like bad movies.

So how do you tell that YOU will personally hate the movie you're watching after the first scene? By asking a few simple questions. At the end of the first scene, (or in some cases sequence,) ask yourself this magic phrase, "Do I care?" (Beware there is a difference between curiosity and care. We are curious to discover how Tom Cruise escapes in the beginning of Mission Impossible 3, but we don't really care if he succeeds.) If you don't care, get up and leave because the movie you are watching SUCKS.

“Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire”


Brilliant. Potter and friends move into their fourth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Harry finds himself entered unwillingly into a deadly tournament where he battles dragons, mermaids and other creatures of the deep and a humungous maze where at the end awaits Lord Voldemort’s return. Someone at the school has been helping Voldemort, but who? (I’m not really asking you. I know who!) I’m sorry if you’re fond of crashes and mountains but this was the best movie of the year.

“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”


Yeah, the new one. Call me crazy, I like it. Why? Well I’ll tell you if you just shut up. It’s terrifying. Usually slashers don’t really scare me. Human beings aren’t scary. You can handle a guy with a knife. Chainsaw’s a littler harder but it’s still a physical person. However, in “Chainsaw” Leatherface wasn’t one person. He was more of a town. What made it horrifying, wasn’t the fact that he used your boyfriends face as a mask, it was the fact that these kids were doing everything you would have done. In normal slashers you yell at the screen screaming, “DON’T GO IN THERE YOU MORON! RUN THE OTHER WAY!” Well, these kids WOULD run the other way. They’d go out the door instead of up the stairs. They’d fight back. They’d run for help. They’d do it all and still get killed. Sure, it didn’t help that the Sheriff was freaking evil along with the rest of the hillbilly town. But these kids weren’t getting a single break. You basically had to calm down and accept the fact that these people were going to turn you over to Leatherface and let him kill you and take your skin ’cause he didn’t like his. It did what it set out to do which was to scare. However, if I’m going to be fair about my grades I have to say it’s not among the best movies, just among my personal favorites. (There’s a huge difference between good movies and favorite movies, though often they overlap.)

The Death of Bill and Daryl Hannah's other eye.


“Kill Bill Volume 2”


In this volume, The Bride is still working on her list. Uma doesn’t do as much in this one. For instance, Daryl creams off one of The Bride’s soon-to-be victims for her. Why? Because she wants his sword and doesn’t want to pay for it. She does blame his death on The Bride. Oh, we find out her name in this one, Kiddo. Weird huh? But that’s Quinton for you. Anyway, Kiddo removes the other eye of Daryl's and not just removes but squishes it between her toes so as she couldn’t reuse it like in, “Minority Report.” Ewe. So anyway, you think Kiddo’s kid is dead and you wonder if Kiddo’s gonna actually go through with it and kill Bill. Especially after you see that Kiddo’s daughter is alive and living happily with Bill. Well, she kills him… sort of. She was taught this trick by this guy, (who also taught her things that prepared her to get out of being buried alive earlier, [as in she had to dig her way out,])he taught her how to pull out eyes, and he even taught her this special move where you use a pressure point and then the person takes five steps then dies. Well, Bill doesn’t think she knows this trick and is rather amazed when she uses it on him. Then, knowing what would happen, he gets up and walks away. Sure enough, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, he’s dead. This movie wasn’t as violent and freaky as the first one. But you have to find out what happens to Kiddo. Not to mention what her name is. It satisfies all the things they didn’t show you in the first volume, like what the wedding massacre looked like. Thanks! (And I’m not being sarcastic.)

“I want my pink shirt back!”


“Mean Girls”


At first I’m thinking, “Another lame 3-word-named high school movie.” (The fact it’s 2-words wouldn’t matter if it fit the category. 3-word-named high school movie: See “She‘s All That,” “Whatever it Takes,” even “Ten Things I Hate About You.”) However in viewing “Mean Girls” I was pleasantly surprised. The rule that movies adapted from books are usually much better, holds true. (Book this movie adapted from: See Queen Bees and Wanabees.) Like in “About A Boy” the title starts you off thinking you know who the “boy” in the movie is that references the title. You think you know that the clique of pretty and petty popular girls are going to be the meanest. In both circumstances you’d be wrong. The “boy” in “About a Boy” turns out to be the man. In “Mean Girls” the meanest girl turns out to be the self proclaimed victim, Janice Ian. Discuss. (Perhaps you think I reference too much “About a Boy.” Both movies are crucial to my sociology and should be studied in sociology classes.) So, Will is to “About a Boy” as Janice Ian is to “Mean Girls.” Janice Ian and our star Cady (pronounced cay-dee.)
Our mean, rich, beautiful princess is Regina George. The school fears her and her two followers Gretchen Wieners and Karen Smith. Gretchen is the one with all the gossip who seems sweet and Karen’s the idiot that you can’t take offence to because she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. So basically, the only mean girl you have there is Regina. So the mean girls title doesn’t automatically mean- these three! Oh no! The mean girls consist of, yes, Regina George, Janice Ian and Cady. Cady starts off nice because she just came from Africa where she was home schooled to high school. She was thrown in and met Janice who had been stabbed in the back by Regina in junior high. Janice seeks revenge for a false rumor Regina spread about Janice being a lesbian. So Janice and Cady decide to have Cady, (who’s been excepted into the popular clique,) spy on Regina, report to Janice and laugh about all the stupid things she said while sabotaging Regina’s life by stealing her boyfriends, making her friends hate her, etc. Basically, revenge is sweet but hurtful. At the end Cady goes back to being a decent person and Regina joins the Lacrosse team. Popularity no longer matters. People matter. It was smart, funny and cleaver. 

“Spider-man 2” & "Seabiscuit"

How could a Spider-man movie outdo the first one? Like this! Spider-man, much better at a-web slingin’ now is all liking Mary-Jane as usual. She’s in a play and he’s late and can’t get in and what-not. He’s late because he’s saving the city stupid! And she knows he likes her and she somewhat suspects him of being Spider-man ‘cause if her astronaught fiance isn’t then who is? Anyway, and Spider-man has a crappie job and is doing crappy at school and Harry’s mad at him and life’s not going too neat. Meanwhile Octavious invents and his arms gain control over his good-will seeking mind and he gets all greedy and robbing banksy. Peter Parker decides to quit being Spider-man seconds before he is desperately needed. Then he returns to being Spider-man and saves the day but the girl’s about to marry his boss’s son! Then she doesn’t. She also finds out he’s Spider-man while he’s rescuing her. This movie was fan-freaking-tastic. It had everything. It was a big comedy a bit romantic and a bit action packed. It was like Spider-man the comedy. Which is great because life is funny. A. Kirsten Dunst annoys me to death. Tobey McGuire was again fabulous.


Seabiscuit

Is that me caring about horse race? Can’t be. But it is! If Seabiscuit can make me care so much about something I’d be dead bored at in real life then it deserves a sweet grade on my list. Seabiscuit was the name of the horse and the horse was the American way. You wanted that stupid horse to win! You couldn’t help it! Well, maybe you could if you were a communist. B. It gets a B because now I never, ever need to see it again. Tobey McGuire did a marvelous job. I can’t remember if anyone else famous was in it. What’s the horses real name? Good horse.

"Kill Bill 1"


“Kill Bill Volume 1”

Saw a preview for Volume 2 today before “The Butterfly Effect.” I can’t wait. I love violence. Uma Therman is genius. The bloodshed is brilliant. It doesn’t have much concern for death and right and wrong. It’s about vengeance. Uma wants to kill Bill, only there are other people who are also on her list before him. She wants to kill everybody who tried to kill her and succeeded in killing her whole wedding ensemble. She’s out for blood. And with her kick yellow Samurai sword and Asics, she gets her blood. And she gets it good.

Better Than Donny


“The Butterfly Effect”

Freaking brilliant. It kept you on your toes the whole time. The beginning was so violent! Yet at the end all the violence made perfect sense. It wasn’t there just for the fun of it. Ashton Kutcher (Evan) stepped into a roll that actually benefited America. I liked Amy Smart (Kayleigh) in “Rat Race” so I was happy to see her in another movie. When it was over I felt like I’ve been on a roller coaster ride -- and not in a cliché way! It’s like something you can’t explain, you have to experience it. I don’t want to ruin it so I can’t say a thing! A. I hear that same law applies to “The Usual Suspects.”
A note from 1/21/10. I saw “Donny Darko” about a year ago and I had to compare the similarities. I like “Butterfly Effect” better except the titles. “The Butterfly Effect” sounds too lame. “Donny Darko” sounds awesome.


My Favorite Movie Genre...



... is zombie movies!

“28 Days Later”

I loved this movie. Animal Rights Activists release diseased monkeys with zombiesk infections. They bite one of the activists and 28 days later we’re in a hospital room with a man, Jim, who appears to be the only one left in the world until he comes to a church where he finds loads of dead bodies. He says hello in search of life but what he finds are zombies with red eyes who chase after him. He’s saved by two other people. A girl and a guy. The guy becomes a zombie and without much ado the girl, Celina, kills him violently. Jim and Celina find a dad and a daughter and they plan to make their way towards an army camp that has been on the radio, a rarity, and they voice that they have the cure. Well, the dad doesn’t make it. The others get to the camp and by this time Jim and Celina have fallen for each other and it’s happy cause they know there’s more to life than just staying alive. Well, our army folks don’t have a cure they’re just working on it and they’re horny. The broadcast was merely a device for them to find women. Upon hearing this Jim freaks out and tries to stop them. They take him out to the woods to kill him but he escapes. They think he’ll die on his own so they return to the girls who are about to take Valium so that they won’t care about being raped. Only the daughter gets one before Jim returns letting in some zombies who kill off everybody in the army place except the girls who are saved by Jim. At first Celina doesn’t know if he’s been turned into a zombie and she hesitates hacking him up. Which indicates that she cares more about him than mere survival. They reach a car to escape but there’s the main army man hiding in it. He’s mad at Jim for killing all his men and he shoots him in the stomach! Our daughter gets in the drivers seat, drives to a spot where she knows a zombie guy is, let’s the zombie guy take the army man, then she drives back, picks up her friends and drives away. 28 days later Jim is revised by the Celina. And they find a plain because not everyone in the world was infected and the zombies all starve to death. I loved the violence in this movie. The shear nonchalant violence. It’s beautiful. I love the transformation of Jim who goes from unconscious, helpless in a hospital to a ruthless killing machine of not zombies but evil men! Plus the zombie people are absolutely terrifying! I also love the realness, if I was the last person on Earth, that’s exactly what I’d do! If all this really happened, that is to say, that’s exactly what would happen. It’s very violent, gory, creepy, scary, and suspenseful. It was brilliant.


“Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers”



I’ve seen better. That is, I’ve seen “Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.” I liked that one better. 


Golum is scarier in the cartoons though, what’s up with that? The Orcs aren’t though. In this sequel Frodo and Sam (both Hobbits) travel to Mordor with a new guide, Golum/Smigul. What a loon. At the same time our dear friends Legolas and Aragorn along with comic relief Gimli look for Merry and Pippen. But they learn they’re in good hands and we can just ignore them now because they’re hardly interesting except for the part where Merry gives his little speech and when that one Ent dives into the water ‘cause it’s on fire. So, after they find they’re okay our favorites go and defend people who have all this stuff happening to them not to mention a big war heading their way. So they kick hand and it’s no contest. I mean, I wouldn’t want to fight against Gimli, Legolas and Aragorn who can take on whole armies of Orcs by themselves.

"Can't Hardly Wait" and "Clueless"





“Can’t Hardly Wait”

Can’t hardly use English good. Well, despite the appearance of Jennifer Love Hewitt this movie was a spectacular event! The whole thing took place at a party where we hang with our dear friend Preston (Ethan Embree who, thanks to this film, I’ll adore forever) who tries to tell Amanda (regretfully played by Hewitt) that he loves her while Seth Green tries to get his manhood and what’s her face just doesn’t want to be there but gets accidentally locked in a bathroom with Seth Green where they remember their past and end up doing the nasty. Which is hardly the point because we’re focusing on Preston and his angst! While Amanda’s ex-boyfriend regrets breaking up with her and this geek (brilliant character) tries to get back at Amanda’s jock ex-boyfriend for all the stunts he played on him. The geek gets sodden drunk and becomes instantly popular, ironically. The nerd’s the only one who comforts Mike Dexter (the jock) and just when you think they’re friends and Mike is an OK guy, he doesn’t let him sit by him when his friends are conscience. Everyone should see this, funny, funny movie. Besides Clueless it’s the best teen movie ever. (Note I said this before Mean Girls came out.)

“Clueless”

Is this movie run into the ground? Maybe. Do we care? Hardly. Alicia Silverstone’s best role. The girl who played Dion was fabulous and no one could play her better. Brittney Murphey was kind of annoying but she was supposed to be. It’s Jane Austin’s Emma turned 1995. Cher finds love while being in the middle of everyone else’s love lives. This movie is funny and identifies with everyone who’s ever been to public high.  It's the smartest teen movie ever... or at least until Mean Girls.


“Seven Years in Tibet”

And it feels like we spent all seven years with them. I think I’m the only one in the world who thinks this movie was too short. Why would a woman pick someone else over Brad Pitt and his adorable character that even wins him the friendship of the Dali Lama is beyond me.


It was rather boring though....

“Bowfinger”







Was Eddie Murphey acting? Seriously, I forgot. He should have won an oscar for his roles in this movie. Steve Martin was oh so funny. I hate Heather Graham but she played a girl who couldn’t act and since she can’t act I thought she did a fine job. Steve Martin’s character, Bowfinger, has bad tastes in movie making and tries to make a movie with a hit star in it, Eddie Murphey, only he doesn’t know he’s in it. Filled with hilariousness! Thank you for making this movie!

“Austin Powers in Goldmember”

Goldmember is the sickest cat in the universe. Don’t eat your own pealing skin! I was afraid Beyoncé would bug the heck out of me but she was just dandy and not so bad at all. Flash backs to school are hilarious because they resemble Harry Potter. Hard Knock Life song was LAME. The beginning was the funniest thing ever which was great because a comedy should start with a good laugh. Tom Cruise and Danny DeVito just might have been my favorite actors in the movie. It was a little bit confusing. I was watching a comedy yet I had to pay attention! Scott Evil was so hilarious! But enough of the sick jokes already!




“The Scorpion King”


This is one of those movies that’s so lame you have to see them. It’s jammed pack full of action and I think that’s why I like it. Seeing the Rock trying to be all tough makes me laugh on the inside. No doubt there are better movies out there but this movie was fun and entertaining and isn’t that what movies are supposed to be? A warrior is sent to murder a King’s sorcerer who predicts his battle wins and losses. But, he shows up to kill him and he’s a her. So he keeps her because she doesn’t like the King much. They fall in love, she predicts his death, blah, blah, blah, happiness prevails. It just wasn’t that good, OK? Just entertaining.

“Enough”

Jennifer Lopez is OK. Say that five times and believe it. Alright, the little girl playing her daughter is most possibly the worst actress EVER but we’ll cut her SOME slack because she’s, like, five or whatever. This movie is a lot like Sleeping With The Enemy but I like it better because she’s not helpless. You watch as J.Lo becomes smarter and smarter throughout the movie. It’s not just “Ooh, there’s a guy wanting to kill me.” It’s, “OK this guy wants to kill me, I’m gonna out smart and out power him and not let him take my life away from me.” It’s a full on power buzz. I think girls especially should watch it and not take any crap. I think guys just might like it because parts are funny and it’s smart and actiony.




"Where did you get cool new trainers?"



“About A Boy”

If I was a screenwriting god I would have written this movie. I never liked Hugh Grant, NEVER. I almost didn’t see this movie because he was in it. HELLO! That might have been the worst mistake of my life! Not only was Hugh Grant SUPREME in this movie it makes me open to see more of his movies. I won’t dread him any longer. He was so great. His character is a bachelor who has no life and no job and no ambition. He lives off his father’s royalties of a Christmas song everyone knows and loves. He finds the way to get easy woman is to pick them up at a Single Parent’s powwow. He ends up reluctantly making friends with a geeky kid with a suicidal mom! Who thought of that!? So this geeky kid is the most wonderful boy in the world! The best character possibly ever! The geeky kid changes the bachelor’s life for the better. Spectacular acting from Suicidal Mom, Hugh, Marcus the geeky kid, and Rachel Wiezs. One of the best movies ever and fully on the top of my favorites list. It’s twisted, hysterical, and full of ingenious, realistic life.

"Guy with 8 legs. Sounds hots."



“Spiderman”

How could anyone complain? With appearances from Bruce Campbell, director’s brother Ted Raimi, Stan Lee and Lucy Lawless this film about a crazy spider bite does fans proud. That’s right. A boy is bit by a radioactive spider, gets super powers and is the only man who can stop the crazy Green Goblin who is magnificently portrayed by Willem Dafoe. I had my doubts about Tobey McGuire but he is actually perfect for the part and let’s face it, she was good in “Interview with a Vampire” but she's awful in everything else! - Kirsten Dunst was annoying.


"Life is Beautiful" & "The Mummy"





“Life is Beautiful”

In a different language? Yes. Get used to it. This film is one of the best ever. A Jewish man must pretend the Nazi camp is a game to protect his son. Charming. What else do I need to say?

“The Mummy”

Lots of people didn’t like this movie. I did. I loved this movie. It’s jammed packed with outstanding characters, brilliant effects (as opposed to “The Mummy Returns.”) A group of treasure seekers wake up a cursed mummy with the power to take out the world. This movie is funny. A lot of people say “it looks just like Indiana Jones” I say, “We need more movies just like Indiana Jones so sit down and shut up.”


"That's where I want to live the rest of my life. A warm place with no memory."

“The Shawshank Redemption”



Though other movies are more particular to the genre’s I appreciate most (“Fight Club” and “Moulin Rouge”) I must say that “The Shawshank Redemption” is the best movie of all time. Andy Dufrense(Tim Robbins) is imprisoned for a murder he did not commit. Sound failure? The rest won’t. Shawshank is a twisted prison with twisted guards. Dufresne makes nice and uses his banking skills to earn trust with the guards while bonding with a few convicts, Red (Morgan Freeman at his best,) for one. This is the best feel good movie ever. Over come everything! Is what this movie shouts out at it’s stunned audience. Spectacular characters win over your hearts while an escape plan is planned out… but is it an escape plan or a suicide plan? It’s very realistic. This is one of those minority movies that could actually happen. Stephen King wrote it. Good job, Stephen King. This is the best thing your name has ever been attached to.

"I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can't be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free."


"I want you to hit me as hard as you can."



“Fight Club”

Edward Norton and Brad Pitt open up an underground fighting club where you beat each other up to feel better and sleep better at nights. If you like twisted characters and beyond expectation events then, hey man, you’ll love this movie. I’ll go see any movie with Edward Norton in it because of his roll in this. Helena Bonham Carter is a freaking genius. College age folks are most likely to enjoy this movie to it’s full extent (at least college age folks back in the early 2000's.) Rocking soundtrack including boss song by, “The Pixies,” “Where is my Mind,” which describes the entire movie in itself. The movie is so fun! If you’ve read my other reviews you know I have a stick in my head about sad parts. But, no, it’s not sad parts that make me angry but sad movies! This movie MIGHT have one sad part, (if you’re partial to fat men with boobs,) but no reason to cry. This is one of my favorite movies of all time and it makes me sick that more people don’t love it as much as I do. Sick!

“Moulin Rouge”

Holy cow! Why isn’t every movie like this? Singing, dancing, loving! Oh, what fun. Satine the whore and Christian the poor writer fall in love despite their obstacles, namely the Duke. Ewan McGregor plays Christian and I can’t believe he didn’t receive Best Actor for this one. Boy can sing! I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I couldn’t breathe when he was on the screen. Nicole Kidman got a nomination for best actress for this movie. I thought she was better in The Others and should have gotten nominated for that instead. I didn’t like her in this. But oh well, I, freaking, love this movie. It’s sad, but not the entire time! Throughout most the movie there is a smile on the audience’s faces. You feel the love Christian has for Satine. You feel his despair at the end when he’s about to lose everything. This movie makes you feel so many emotions. Plus, it’s my favorite soundtrack of all time.





"Be Cool"

More like “Try Harder.” Bad, BAD name for a movie. Just bad. Shameless! Unforgivable! Cursed! This movie was totally in my face. Critics agree it was a movie. It tried really hard to be a cool movie. Give up. Vince Vaughn was again funny. He’s a funny guy. But my favorite was The Rock. He played this guy who was gay and wanted to be an actor but was a body guard. When he did his “Bring it On” audition for John Travolta I thought I was going to laugh my brains out. But I had forgotten, earlier in the movie I puked them out. So, all in all, not that good. Mainly I think it’s because the characters were too “in my face” and forgot to be lovable. Also, there was a huge lack of plot. However, that Rock cracks me up. 

“The Brothers Grimm”



More like, “The Movie Grimm!” Stupid movie, stupid first line of the review, what’a’ya want? Why is Matt Damon in this movie? I was beginning to think he only did good movies. Example, the Borne movies, the Ocean’s movies, the, “We‘re not Siamese. We‘re American,” movies. See, I saw part of a “Brother’s Grimm” esk kind of movie on TV when I was a kid and thought, “Hey this might be good.“ I’m still learning the harsh truth that you can’t trust things you see on TV as a kid to be good. And you’d think, “What an easy lesson!”
Okay, Will and Jake, (Damon and Ledger,) and brothers and they live off of conning villagers into hiring them to get rid of their mystical maladies, likes witches and stuff. Only they’d plant the witches there and they wouldn’t be witches and stuff. Well, OBVIOUSLY they’re gonna cry wolf. So yeah, the French guys come and are all, “if you don’t make this problem of disappearing children go away we’re gonna kill you.” So they go to this forest and try and take care of the problem with the help of an un-characterlisticly uncharacteristic character. She kept changing! And not in a good way. She was all tough and “do it yourself”ish and then she’s all, “Grandmother Toad! Lead the way and I’ll give you a kiss.” Who she was seconds before vanished like a solid into an odorless gas. Turn around, “who are you?” I’m sorry, was that confusing? GOOD! Okay so in the forest there’s a tower where an old Queen wants to stay beautiful forever. She’s still alive because of a spell but boy she’s not pretty. So to be pretty she has to suck up all the young kids in the village. More easily said then done and more easily heard about then suffering there in your seat watching! Well, they stop her. The end. No plot. No nothing. NOTHING. Lines were funny. But not enough to be of redeeming value. Funny lines include, “He‘ll make a lucky man a fine wife one day.“ -After Will’s been corrected about the sex of what appeared to be a little boy. “It‘s not magical, it‘s just shiny.” -My personal favorite. It’s Will explaining to some guy about Jake’s armor. Then the last memorable one is when you think everyone’s dead. Jake brings them all back by kissing what’s-her-face. But then, Will still looks dead. “Perhaps he needs a kiss too.” Says some guy. Then just as Jake’s about to smooch his own brother, his own brother says, “Not you.” Ah, get it? GET IT? He’s alive he just wanted the girl to kiss him! Get it? There, now you never have to see it. I don’t care if the C.G.I. Is neato.

“Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith”

First of all LONG ENOUGH TITLE? You know what they say, “the longer the title the stupider the writer” or something like that. Sith? Bad! Lame! Makes me think “cist,“ not really dark and sinister. I don't care if it's the actual name, it's lame! REVENGE OF THE SIST! You know... that does sound dark and sinister! 


Let’s see, where to begin.... Ah, I’ll start with saying one sentence that appeared in my mind (and whispered in my ear by funny Stephanie,) “Puttin’ on the Ritz!” Frankenstein’s creature came alive at the ending there. A little too campy. Lucas needs to recall just who his characters are and exactly what they would say let alone feel after undergoing changing over to the Dark Side. One wonders if the Dark Lord Vader would yell like a heart-filled Romeo, “Nooooo!” after hearing about his love’s death. Oh and Padme died because she lost the will to live? That’s highly unlikely since she was pretty well satisfied before she even met Anakin. Second, these people are highly advanced and wouldn’t let someone just pass from child birth let alone being sad to death. The dialog was ATROCOIUS! I couldn’t believe my ears, “Anakin you’re breaking my heart.” Who talks like that? I just had to laugh. Yoda’s backwards talk also became ridiculous after the millionth time. He only spoke backwards five times in “Empire.” I guess over the next 20 years he realizes how unadvantages it is to be so confusing.


I’d like to say that I was bored stiff. They didn’t even put in a good Jar-Jar killing sequence. I thought up the perfect way to kill Jar-Jar Binks, one that I will share with you right now. Picture this; Anakin’s on his way to kill everyone inside the Jedi Temple. (You know, when he goes and kills all the lamely named “younglings.”) Jar-Jar runs up to him and is all, “Ani! Me-sa so worried --” Then BAM! Anakin light sabers his stupid head off! Oh, I’m afraid your head will be quite on the ground when your friends arrive. 

"Thinner" & "Legally Blonde 2"


“Thinner”




Uh, hi. Can we have some character development, please? I’d like that.

“Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blue”

More like “Red, White and Lame.” (Hm, that was easy.) This is such a lame movie. Remember that horrendous part in the first movie when she’s teaching all those ugly people in the nail parlor how to do the “bend and flip?” And we’re all thinking, “Oh my gosh, where did this come from? This is the lamest thing!” Well, this movie is that part only longer. Elle’s, like, looking for her dog’s mom or something and she finds out about animal testing and to do something about it she takes it to court. Yawn. I got sleepy just writing the plot! 

"The Mummy Returns" & "The Virgin Suicides"





“The Mummy Returns”

LAME and boring. 

“The Virgin Suicides”

First I would like to point out that I have no idea why this movie was rated R. Thank you. Now to get down to it, I read the book first and it was a nice, interesting book. I’m not that much of a book critic right now but when it comes to movies, oh boy. So, my critic of The Virgin Suicides is as such: boring. Here’s the main reason why this conclusion is made fact, NO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! Why do we care about these characters? Oh that’s right, WE DON’T! Kirsten Dunst’s character, Lux, was supposed to be the most interesting and I was only annoyed every time she was on the screen. The acting was atrocious from everyone involved except a few. To name some of these few James Woods was excellent as Mr. Lisbon. Danny DeVito was just fine as I remember. Josh Hartnett was great but over all it would be hard to get into your character when there is ABSOLUTLY NO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!? The writer’s of “The Mummy” should have handled this one. The movie followed the book very well, only… (with no shame in repeating myself) there was no character development. (It did talk about death a lot... so that was fun.)

“Les Misérables”



Shut up! I love the book and the musical but this movie blows. What is it with boring Les Misérables movies? Is it impossible for someone to make good Victor Hugo’s classic masterpiece? I fear the only way this will happen is if they actually put in the really cool parts of the book and have some of the bi*chin songs from the musical. I used to love Claire Danes. I was way into “My So-Called Life.” But, they should have gotten a different Cosette. While I’m at it! they should have also gotten a different Valjean. Nothing personal to Mr. Liam Neeson but I just picture Valjean differently. Don’t you? Geoffrey Rush is fantastic but, MAN, Javert is a tall skinny fellow! Eh, oh well. Fantine’s casting of Uma Therman was absolutely perfect! The thing that bothered me the most was when Valjean hit Cosette! He would never, ever do that! Also, the movie ended where people like it to end. THAT IS NOT THE ENDING! Ruin the whole book why don’t you? You might as well change everything and make it Disney! Note to those who want to write yet another screenplay of “Les Misérables” they’re in France and should speak with a French accent, (isn’t that always the way?) But do us all a favor and make it incredibly long as long as you put in the good parts! The part where Valjean is almost buried alive! The part where Gavroche brings his “babies” (which are really his brothers) to his hollowed out elephant! The whole Thenardier vs. Marius story line. Not to mention the wedding, Marius’ forgiveness of Valjean, and Valjean’s death! It’s called “The Miserable” for a reason. So why do we leave the theater so freaking satisfied with ourselves learning nothing about Valjean’s desperate yearning to live a life of joy when it’s simply impossible for him to do. Don’t give us a happy ending when the master, Victor Hugo, gave us a miserable one. Beautiful misery applies to my most sensitive art passions.

"City of Angels"




Cry me a river. I did, in fact. Yeah, I cried at the end. What did you expect!? It was sad! Far too sad for my liking, so, I don’t like it. It was pointless. I like movies that get across their point, but this movie had no point. An angel falls to get the mortal woman he loves and then she dies but he’s like “Oh, I still like being a human, really.” Psh, sure buddy. This is another boring depressing movie. Who cares? What’s up with people trying to make us bored and depressed? Don’t they care? Do they really think we want to be bored and depressed? “Hey, I know what I’ll do! I’ll write a boring and depressing movie with two stars in it and everyone will come and see it but leave the theater thinking, ‘MAN! That was boring and depressing.’” Hot soundtrack though, especially Alanis Morsette’s “Uninvited.”

"What Dreams May Come"



What does this movie have to do with Shakespeare let alone dreams? Robin Williams goes to Hell to find his wife and bring her to Heaven. Whatever. The art of this movie was beautiful. The movie, itself, was horrible. They call it a “feel good movie” when I cried through the entire thing! I’ve never been more depressed my entire life! Then at the end he finally gets what he wants then gets rid of it and tries to get it all again; because why? It was so much fun the first time? Your kids hated you and your wife committed suicide. Yeah, that sounds like a blast! It was a boring, feel horrid movie. I will die happy if I never see it again.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

I'm excited to see it. But I hope it doesn't suck like the last two.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Bringing you up to the NOW

Let's talk about...

Avatar

Like What Dreams May Come, this movie would have been better if I were deaf. Gosh, I HATE movies that want to say something! It's like Nirvana says, "Here we are now. Entertain us. Don't bore us to death with your politics!" (Okay, I threw that last part in there. But I'm sure Kurt Cobain would agree.)

Pretty pictures though... even though they were stolen from Lothlorien.

Critiques I wrote YEARS ago.

The critiques I mention in posts from “What Dreams May Come” to "Goblet of Fire" were written YEARS ago. FYI.

The Best and Worst Comic Relief

I wrote this up YEARS ago, and saved it for some reason.

BEST

The Man Behind the Boobs, the Marylin and the Spartacus.
Of course I’m talking about the grumpy old man, Jack Lemon in his role as a cross dresser in “Some Like it Hot.”
Addressing Jack’s character, (Jerry/Daphne,) as “comic relief,” may be called unfair as he is also the co-star. After all is said and done, (like at the end of the movie,) he’s not the one sprouting beautiful, moonlit romanticise's like, “But I’m a bum,” he’s the one trying to tell his fiancee, (a dirty, old, rich, man,) Osgood, that he’s not marriage material because he’s not a real blond, he smokes, and because he’s a man.
With all the best lines in the show with perfected deliverence, Jack Lemon made Some Like it Hot more than just a black and white Marylin Monroe movie. He made it a black and white hilarious Marylin Monroe movie. Who couldn’t laugh as Jerry and Joe, a saxophone player and a bow fiddler, seek refuge from a mob in an all girl, all blond, jazz band. When Jerry and Joe meet Sugar, (Monroe,) who admits to being a sucker for saxophones but wants to meet a rich man, and try to flirt with her as men.
Jerry’s best lines include…

After Jerry announces his engagement, Joe asks -
JOE: Who’s the lucky girl?
JERRY: I am.
Then continues playing the maracas and singing along to the repetitive tango song he’s been dancing to all night.

When Sugar introduces Daphne (Jerry) to Junior (Joe dressed up like a millionaire,) she tells Daphne what Junior told her which is Junior has a yatch and he might come and hear them play tonight.
JERRY (as Daphne): Oh do come. And bring your yatch!

When Sugar tells Josephine (Joe dressed in drag,) about Junior…
SUGAR: He owns a yatch ---
JERRY (as Daphne): He also owns a bicycle.

Later when Jerry’s out talking to Osgood and spots Joe ridding on a stolen bike…
JERRY: How bout that, he does have a bicycle.

JOE: What are you going to do on your honeymoon?!
JERRY: Well we’ve been discussing this. He’s thinking Peurto Rico but I’m leaning towards Niagra Falls.

JOE: Why would a man want to marry a man?!
JERRY: Security.

OSGOOD: Do you pluck it or do you use the bow?
JERRY (as Daphne): Well most the time I just slap it.

While Sugar and Jerry as Daphne hang out in his bunk.
“Oh don’t do that. You’ll ruin my surprise.”

When Sugar wants to tell Josephine about Junior and her and Jerry as Daphne wait for him in their room and Jerry’s expecting Josephine to show up dressed like Junior…
SUGAR: Maybe she went shopping.
JERRY (as Daphne): Oh that’s it. I bet any minute she’ll come down this hall in a new outfit!

When Sugar thinks she received flowers from “Junior.”
SUGAR: My mother would be so happy!
JERRY (as Daphne): I hope mine never finds out.


The Man Who Destroyed The Mummy Returns.
Naturally I speak of Beni in The Mummy. I say he destroyed The Mummy Returns simply because it would have been a better movie if Beni was in it!
In the first four seconds we meet Beni he ditches his friends pre-battle and even shuts out our star to die alone in battle… not that he does.
Beni goes on to being on the same ship as our star, Rick O’Connel, to Mummyland. He guides Americans to Haminaptra where all he wants is gold. Rick goes for the girl, the girl goes for a golden book. Anyway, Beni gets thrown overboard by Rick and says things like, “Think about my children.” And Rick says, “You don’t have any children.” Then Beni’s all, “One day I might.”
Lo and behold Beni up and joins Imhotep (the undead Mummy) for profit but not before he shouts at his jacket to “leave me!” and flings it off and is confronted by Imhotep where Beni proceeds to pray to every god he can think of. Looks like the God of the Hebrews saves his hide because Imhotep recognizes the language of the slaves.
Moving on! Although evil and wicked, you still think of Beni as Rick’s friend. He’s all of our friend and is so adorably shallow he… well he reminds me of my dog.

The Star of the Movie is the Comic Relief? I Give You Captain Jack Sparrow…
Of Pirates of the Caribbean. Call him the star but one of the only stars who doesn’t end up with the girl. He and Luke are on their own. Therefore I give myself leave to categorize him as a bit of hilarity.
The first time we see Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow he stands proudly high, high up in the ship… moments later we learn this ship is tiny and he’s only three feet off the deck. His boat sinks so that only the tip is over water when he docks it and a man demands money for parking his “ship.” When Jack Sparrow turns to look at his sunken ship we laugh some more. Hahahahaha. Like that. Our laughter goes on and Captain Sparrow will always be in our hearts. Thanks Will for saving his life at the end! Surprisingly, new starlet, (er, "star,") Orlando Bloom wasn’t what made audiences come back for seconds and thirds. It was Johnny Depp in one of his only unpretty roles. (I refer to this and Edward Sizzorhands.)

The Thing Behind the Contsant Complaining.
To like Gurgi or to hate Gurgi? When watching Disney’s The Black Cauldron, one might thing, “Ack, this thing is like Dobby!” but take a deep breath and realise this thing is a BLEND and BLEND! It’s a little like Dobby from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, but also a bit selfish like our beloved Golum from The Lord of the Rings. Yet, a bit heroic like… well, like Ghergi. Not always funny, but always funny when imitated, and always meaning well, Gurgi staples his name on our shoulders which is pretty close to our hearts.
Along with saving the day and stuff, Gurgi sprouts stupid third person sayings, like, “Talen has lots of friends. Gurgi has no friends.” and, “Munchies and crunchies in here somewhere.”
Needless to say, my brother does an excellent impersonation of Gurgi and it cracks me up.

Who’s that Fat Guy in the Tighty Whities!?
That’s Jack Black in Orange County, as the hilarious older brother who’s just a pill poppin’ loser. Why do we love this character? The answer is simple, because he’s Jack Black.


The Man Next to Jackie Chan.
Owen Willson’s funny in everything he does but something about Roy O’Bannen in Shanghai Knights and Noon make my insides burst with laughter. ‘Nough said.

The Other Masked Murderer
Billy the boyfriend wasn’t the only killer in Scream. We mustn’t forget Matthew Lillard. One of my all time favorite actors because of his role as Stu in this stupid, stupid, yet funny movie. Lines like, “I’ll be right back,” “Did you really call my mom?“ and “Liver alone. Get it? Outch, it’s a joke.” turn me inside out from laughter implosion every time. The look on his face, the dilliverance, all priceless.

This Week's New Face.
It’s Cronk from, The Emperor’s New Groove. A surprisingly fantastic movie! Cronk is stupid but sure can cook! He comes in useful when searching for the talking lama and when speaking to woodland animals. He’s also useful when he turns on evil Isma and falls down a thingy which ends at a door when opened knocks Isma off to her doom. Try the spinach puffs.

The Expected and the Unexpected.
Naturally I’m talking about BOTH Lilo AND Stitch from Disney’s Lilo and Stitch.
Lilo punching that red-head was so unexpected and wonderful. Okay, but we all know that Stitch is the real comic genius with his lines. Like when what’s-his-face says, “I’ll rebuild you, Make you taller and less fluffy.” Stitch replies, “I like fluffy!” And again with the fluffyness when Jangu (that big whale thing) is telling him he’s horrible and he’s meant to destroy and Stitch says, “Also cute and fluffy!” But the best parts are when he bites his feet and rolls around the house. And quite possibly the funniest part of the movie is when he’s destroying everything in Lilo’s room and she tells him to try and build something for once. So he makes a scale of San Fransisco. Then acting like the killer spider in the movie Earth vrs. the Spider he destroys San Fransisco and chews on the cars. Another great part, the end, when he’s playing hot potato with the explosive gun and gives it to what’s-his-face and says, “Merry Chirstmas.” What’s-his-face replies, “It’s not Christmas.” And what does Stitch say? “Happy Hanuka!” Oh, what a funny, funny alien made life form. Oh, let’s not forget the facial expressions of Stitch throughout the whole movie… let’s go watch it right now!

Just to Name a Few.
The Little Mermaid-
Flounder- “Then the seagul came and it was this is this and that is that.”
Scuttle- “Woah, what a swim.” “I was flying, well of course I was flying…”
Sebastian- “He’d say he’s gonna kill himself a crab! That‘s what her father‘d say!”
Finding Nemo-
Doris- “I wish I could speak Whale.” “Eez-Kaw-Pay. That’s funny, it’s spelled like escape.”
X-Men 2. United-
Night-Crawler- (I forget what he did that was so funny. It was in the jet. Get off my back.)


WORST

The Gargoyels Behind the Plot.
In Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame Quasimodo, and we, are haunted by would-be adorable Gargoyles who apparently come to life when Quasimodo’s around.
FYI, If you’re naming the Gargoyles after the Author of the tome The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Victor Hugo, you might want to look up his middle name, Marie, and name your girl gargoyle after Mr. Hugo as well. Eh, my point is, these gargoyles are wasteful. Their song sucks. No offence to those who play them but the movie would be more enjoyable if the only comic relief was Pheobus. Yeah, and leave the one liners to Esmeralda, “You missed a spot.“
Honestly, it was a dark book, don’t try to make it a light happy movie by adding gargoyles who can’t get over the fact they’re made of stone.

Intro to Boon - Boon 238 - Ticket # 91325

Greetings to those who love movies!

I love movies. I love telling people about the movies I saw, and whether or not they were worth $10.50.

I am not paid for my criticism, so go right ahead and trust me.

I'm a former film student. I write screenplays. I've created and starred in student films. I've studied acting, voice, and dance. And I bake a mean chocolate cake.

So, most of my posts will be film critiques, but some of my posts will be "Best of/Worst of."

Incoming!



-"They may be drinkers, but they're human beings."
-Batman in Batman The Movie!