Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Chick Flick vrs Fart-Eater

Has my objection to the phrase "chick flick" revealed itself in these posts? I've been known to object to it openly and whenever possible, on Yahoo, at dinner, anywhere. My biggest objection to the term is that males have never had a term to refer to "their stupid movies," before. The major theory of why this abominable happenstance occurs is mainly that these movies need a name. These are the only movies which are made for the female demographic; all other movies are made for men. So, to differentiate, we must have a name for these "women movies."

However, the social connotation is - "chick-flick" = lame, girlie, un-cool, or any other unfortunate synonym. Do you see my problem? There's nothing wrong with Pride and Prejudice (well, at least not the BBC's version.) Just because boys don't like something, doesn't make it lame or un-cool. Yet, somehow, thanks to social binaries, it does. We need a great equalizer. Fairness in all things! Right?

Now, I can't take credit for the term "fart-eater." I have to give that all to Orson Scott Card, and the use of it in this fashion I must give credit to "her P-nutty goodness." (those of you that know her, know who I mean.) "Fart-eater" is an adjective used here to describe a certain type of sense of humor required to enjoy certain movies, or a person found in possession of certain sense of humor. In short, if you're a "fart-eater" it more-or-less means that you enjoy fart jokes, crude humor, and movies like Old School. One might even refer to these types of movies as the male equivalents of the regretfully termed "chick-flicks."

Since I suppose calling men "fart-eaters" is nearly as offensive as calling women "chicks," I'm going to relax my stance and objection to the phrase, (but only somewhat.)

To quote my favorite anime - The Big-O (above) - "We have come to terms."

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Something that'll brighten your February.

Have you had a bad day? :( Awww. I know; Wednesdays can be rough. But, on the bright side, I have GREAT NEWS!

Click here for a Ghost Rider sequel preview!  Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. What a title! I can't wait!

"I'm not afraid of you."
"You should be."
... isn't that a line from Twilight?

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Now, I haven't seen this movie, nor am I going to, but I feel that that shouldn't impede my ability to write an accurate critique about it. Observe.

"The tale of Conan the Cimmerian and his adventures across the continent of Hyboria on a quest to avenge the murder of his father and the slaughter of his village."

Whatever that synopsis was, it reminded me of a Tick quote -
"It's French."
"Sounds Made-Up to me."

Actually, it just sounds like every other movie EVER.

I picture this movie to be a LOT like 2010's Clash of the Titans, or Prince of Persia. Now, the first Conan movies were developed by a bunch of nerds who thought a movie about a big buff dude would rock, (sure, who wouldn't think that?) These movie-making peeps may have lacked brain cells, but hey, at least they had a vision. However, this new version lacks brain cells and vision. I guaran-freaking-tee you that the makers of this movie made this movie hoping fans of the old Conan would follow it into the year 2011, and therefore they wouldn't have to do such tiresome things as "develop characters or plot." Evidence of this claim is supported by the fact that the movie is shown in 3D. ALL 3D movies are not made because of a vision, but because people will eat up the garbage. (And if people eat garbage, then we don't have to fear the Wall-E-esk apocalypse!) More supporting evidence can be found in the lack of stars. We've all learned to fear movies with all-star or big-star casts, (The Tourist, I'm looking at you,) but we must also fear movies with no-star casts. The biggest star in this cast is the washed-up Rose McGowan....

This is not a film, this is an advertisement for previews. I hope those of you that went to see it at least got a Hunger Games preview.

And, those of you who saw it, lemme know what you thought... 'cause there's a chance I could be wrong.... Small chance.

Now, where's Conan the Librian? 'Cause THAT I would pay money to see.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

A Very Jane Austen Thursday


If you know me then you know that my love for Thursdays is extensive, and hardly rivaled by my love for Jane Austen, (right,) though I do love her books. So, given that I'm not all that pleased with my Emma post, I've decided to play a new game. Ready for it? It's called....

My Favorite Jane Austen Movie!!!

Yay!!! **Applause**

The contestants are...

Mansfield Park
While the characters are nice enough, and the story is story-ish enough, this movie adds a dash of "Oh, wow. I wish I didn't see that." It includes disturbing drawings, and a Titanic nude scene. (Not "Titanic" as in a "big nude scene," but "Titanic" in that it was PG13 and had nudity in it... like Titanic.) The story follows Fanny who moves in with her uncle and his obnoxious children, kind of like Jane Eyre, only they're less horrible, and Fanny falls in love with this dude, but this other dude wants to marry her. She rejects this other dude, much to the objection of her uncle, and he sends her back to her poor family. She feels like she doesn't belong anywhere, blah, blah, blah, happy ending, although, apparently "it could have ended differently."

BBC's Pride and Prejudice
If you have six hours to spare you should pop in this mini series. If you've seen it then you've read the book and if you've read the book than you've seen this movie. For those of you who get angry at movies for taking liberties with novels, then this is the movie for you. It's exactly, nearly word-for-word, the book. The acting is wonderful, and the cast includes Helena Bonham Carter's brother, Crispin. The movie is about Elizabeth who hates Mr. Darcy, (Colin Firth,) and grows to love him because he's not as big as a jerk as he pretends to be.  There's some drama with Elizabeth's stupid sister, but for details you're just gonna have to watch it.

The Awful Keira Knightly Pride and Prejudice
This movie takes so many liberties and strays so far from the novel that I can barely call it Pride and Prejudice. It's nauseating. It was only produced because Pride and Prejudice was in fashion and they knew they'd make a butt-load of cash off of it... which they did. Beware of movies that are made strictly to bring in cash. The best movies are made because someone has a vision - see Lord of the Rings.

Sense and Sensibility
Speaking of having a vision.... Emma Thompson, who stars in this film next to Alan Rickman (we've talked about this; you should know who Alan Rickman is!) Hugh Grant, and Titanic's Kate Winslet, wrote the screen play and received an Oscar for it, (Thompson, not Winslet.) The movie was nominated for other Oscars including best actress, best supporting actress, best cinematography, best costume design, best original score, and best picture. I adore this film. It's about two sisters, one irrational and passionate, and one responsible and logical.

Emma (Gwyneth Paltow)
We've already discussed this movie so I'm going to move on.

Emma (Kate Beckinsale)
Oh, look at that. Moving on....

Persuasion  (below)
Anne is a plain girl who is persuaded (we have a title!) not to marry the awesome Captain Wentworth and she spends quite an enormous amount of time regretting it. It's a very fun story, and the characters are extremely relatable.

So, my favorite is...
Sense and Sensibility. Yay!!!! **Cheers**

Wednesday, August 17, 2011


Yes, yes, we all hate Gwyneth Paltrow, and her faux-British accent is, to quote Banya, "the worst, Jer, the worst," but must we let something like a complete lack of talent chased with an overhaul of obnoxiousness stop us from enjoying Jane Austen's classic?

**crickets chirping**

Fine, I'll answer my own question; no, we must not. Because we enjoy the characters, the story, (if you've seen Clueless - it was a 1995 version of this classic,) the plot, and the rest of the cast! We love Ewan McGreggor and Toni Collette. Ewan McGreggor even sings! (Not as well as he did in Moulin Rouge, but at least it's something!)

If that wasn't enough to convince you that you should see this movie, just remember that some movies give you Gwyneth Paltrow without Toni Collette or Ewan McGreggor... FYI.

However, if you can't get over your hatred for Gwyneth Paltrow, you may prefer the Emma with Kate Beckinsale which came out the same year (1996,) but on TV, and had our fiend, Mark Strong (Stardust!, Sherlock Holmes,) in it. I liked that one a lot, and probably more. (I don't remember for sure how much I liked it, it's been a while since I've seen it. I know. Weak. I'll be back to this post once I've re-watched it.)

Friday, August 12, 2011


So, you wanna watch a movie with the love of your life but you don't know which movie, or even which genre, to watch?

Here's a good date movie in every genre.

You're welcome.

This one's easy. If you haven't seen Hitchcock's Rebecca, (right,) what better time to view it than on a date? This movie's about a man who's no longer with the love of his life, and his new love is bursting with haunted jealousy. Big romantic points!

Since I hate your average romance movie, I'm going to send you forth with Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back. Leia and Han start to fall in love and it gets pretty steamy. Might want to crack a window. Oooh, and I believe there's mention of a wookie kiss? HOT!

We all know many women date men in hopes they'll change them, so what better movie to watch on a date than Disney's Beauty and the Beast? Belle is technically the only woman who EVER successfully changed her boyfriend. She even got him to stop slurping his cream of wheat.

Piece of cake, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, (left,) for obvious reasons.

Nothing says "romance" like a bunch of hobbits running around. You know you have the extended directors edition of Lord of the Rings sitting on the shelf, shove it in the player and let it go. Then you can tell your mom when she yells at you for getting home after curfew that it's not your fault; you put Lord of the Rings  in at eight pm, but it didn't end until four in the morning.
Remember when the entire world was obsessed with whether or not Scully and Mulder would ever get together?  Pop in X-Files (right,) and remind us all of simpler times.

Really? You're going to watch film noir on a date? Pretentious loser.

Master and Commander: Far Side of the World. This movie is so long and so boring that you just might get a kiss during it... or, if you're unattractive, you might get a real good conversation going.

While the foreign genre borders the pretentious line again, go with Life is Beautiful, (below,) because your date may not be.

The Ringer. When compared with Johnny Noxville's character your date will think you're the greatest man alive.

Gone with the Wind. Don't look at me like that. Do you know a more romantic film? Sure, it's all about war and death but it's either this or Schindler's List, (I'm not sure why. It just is.)

That's it for now. Have a fun time on your date, and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Saturday, August 6, 2011


Starring Liam Neeson, Diane Kruger (Troy/National Treasure,) the dreaded January Jones (Emma Frost in X-Men: First Class,) and Frank Langella (the man you hire if you can't get Christopher Lee or Terrance Stamp. Although there's nothing wrong with him he seems to pick bad movies to attach his name to, such as The Box, Superman Returns, The Ninth Gate, Sweet November, Masters of the Universe [Skeletor,] and Cutthroat Island [sorry Grant,] - although, he is in some good movies like Dave, and... well, he's in a LOT of movies.)

Liam Neeson's character, Martin Harris, gets in a car crash. Four days later he awakes from a coma except his wife refuses to ackowledge he is who he says he is, and is married to a different man claiming to be Martin Harris (with the proper identification and everything.) Meanwhile Liam Neeson's Martin Harris has no identification because he's in a foreign land and lost his passport, yadda yadda yadda.

This is one of those movies that tries to "be different." It tries to go, "Surprise! You didn't see that coming! Aren't we clever!" But like unto Salt, and Premonition before it, the answer is no, Mr. Movie, you are not clever. In fact, the movie would have been better if you would stop trying to "trick us."

I don't mean to give away the twist ending, but unless a movie can pull off the twist as seamlessly as The Sixth Sense did, I'm not interested. I'm far from surprised, and I'm also far from caring.

I've written enough screenplays with "trick" endings that I've gone back and re-writ because they're just plain (for lack of a better word) stupid and unimpressive, that I know an ending that should have been rewritten when I see one.

Unknown was an all right movie, and apart from my first complaint the dialog was careless and the writing sloppy. There's no chance for you now to see it in the theater, so if you pick it up on Netflix or at a Redbox... it's worth a buck. It's no Taken, that's for sure.

And the title is something I'd joke with my 5 year old nephew about - "Hey, what's the name of your new movie?" "It's Unknown." "What do you mean it's unknown!? Isn't it coming out tomorrow?" "Yes! The name is Unknown!" "What do you mean you don't know the name of it, or nobody knows?!" Get it? GET IT!?

Friday, August 5, 2011

Speaking of Superman

They're making another one.

Superman: Man of Steel

Starring Henry Cavill (Humphrey in Stardust, Albert Mondego in The Count of Monte Cristo,) as Superman, Amy Adams as Lois Lane, and Russell Crowe as Jor-El, (or so the rumors say,) Diane Lane (Secretariat,) as Martha Kent, Kevin Costner as Johnathan Kent, Laurence Fishburne as Perry White, Julia Ormond (Sabrina,) as Lara Lor-Van, Antje Traue as Faora, and Michael Shannon as General Zod.

Directed by Zack Snyder, who brought us Watchmen and 300.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Auteur Tim Burton and Josh Brolin (right) are talking about filming a new Hunchback of Notre Dame, (novel by Victor Hugo who also brought the world Les Miserables. [Never see the 1998 version of Les Mis!]

Josh Brolin (Brand in The Goonies, True Grit, No Country for Old Men, Jonah Hex, and will be Young K in the next and dreaded Men in Black III,) would play Quasimodo.

There's no news yet on which role Johnny Depp would play, (naturally we assume he'll be in it, along with the brilliant Helena Bonham Carter who may not be a perfect fit for Esmeralda....) so I'll leave the task of casting Depp up to us -

Here's a short list of characters Johnny Depp might fit. Where would you place him?

Claude Frollo
Frollo is a villainous and lustful priest who takes in Quasimodo and uses him to kidnap La Esmeralda.

Gringoire is a poet who gets all tangled up in the story. Throughout most the novel we follow him around Paris. Oh, and he kind of marries Esmeralda. He's a character, that's for sure. In fact, this one has my vote.

Unlike the animated Disney film's, the novel's Phoebus is a big, fat, jerk. He lusts after Esmeralda then leaves her to rot... literally. Geeze, you would think there were no other women in this town.

Clopin is king of the gypsies. He's more intimidating than the spectacular tenor in the Disney version, but only a little bit.

Djali is a goat.

Boon Film Theory 385

What makes a "good" movie?

Just because a movie is aesthetically ( pleasing doesn't mean it's a "good" movie. So don't be offended if your favorite movie sucks. I enjoy many movies that suck, (

So, what's the difference? How can you tell if the movie you like is "good" or not?

Ask yourself these questions -

1. Is this movie well acted by a majority of the cast?
2. Is this movie sophisticated?
3. Is this movie dumbed down for children?
4. Does this movie have dull spots?
5. Is this movie painfully predictable?
6. Is this movie created by James Cameron?
7. Is this movie ridiculous?
8. Could this movie be considered cheesy? And does it know it's cheesy?
9. Is this movie clever, or is it like every other movie?
10. The most important one - do I care about the characters? (Characters should be established within 4 minutes of being on screen.)

For example let's look at the Pirates of the Caribbean series. Curse of the Black Pearl was inventive, had fun characters, decent to great acting, and a fun script. The characters were established very well. The first time we meet Jack Sparrow he's sailing proudly and triumphantly on a tiny, sinking, boat. Within seconds of being introduced to Jack Sparrow we know he's reckless, crazy, and confident. When we first see Elizabeth Swan she is complaining about wearing a corset. We know right off the bat that she's not an ordinary pirate-movie-girlie-girl who enjoys beauty despite the pain. When we first meet Will Turner he's shy and breaking stuff. This tells us that he's inept. While this isn't the best movie to teach character development it's good enough, especially when compared to the following Pirates of the Caribbean movies. In Dead Man's Chest and the rest of them they do something a lot of sequels fall prey to, they skip character development. They assume we're already familiar with the characters, so they don't bother making us like them again. This leaves the movies fall and dull. They kind of continue to develop Jack Sparrow, but because Jack's not the protagonist (,) it's not enough to develop his character and not Will's.

Compare the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels to the Star Wars sequels and you'll see what I mean. (And no, I'm not talking about Episodes 1, 2, or 3. Those are great movies to view if you want to know what a "bad" movie is, though.)