Monday, January 25, 2010

“The Brothers Grimm”

More like, “The Movie Grimm!” Stupid movie, stupid first line of the review, what’a’ya want? Why is Matt Damon in this movie? I was beginning to think he only did good movies. Example, the Borne movies, the Ocean’s movies, the, “We‘re not Siamese. We‘re American,” movies. See, I saw part of a “Brother’s Grimm” esk kind of movie on TV when I was a kid and thought, “Hey this might be good.“ I’m still learning the harsh truth that you can’t trust things you see on TV as a kid to be good. And you’d think, “What an easy lesson!”
Okay, Will and Jake, (Damon and Ledger,) and brothers and they live off of conning villagers into hiring them to get rid of their mystical maladies, likes witches and stuff. Only they’d plant the witches there and they wouldn’t be witches and stuff. Well, OBVIOUSLY they’re gonna cry wolf. So yeah, the French guys come and are all, “if you don’t make this problem of disappearing children go away we’re gonna kill you.” So they go to this forest and try and take care of the problem with the help of an un-characterlisticly uncharacteristic character. She kept changing! And not in a good way. She was all tough and “do it yourself”ish and then she’s all, “Grandmother Toad! Lead the way and I’ll give you a kiss.” Who she was seconds before vanished like a solid into an odorless gas. Turn around, “who are you?” I’m sorry, was that confusing? GOOD! Okay so in the forest there’s a tower where an old Queen wants to stay beautiful forever. She’s still alive because of a spell but boy she’s not pretty. So to be pretty she has to suck up all the young kids in the village. More easily said then done and more easily heard about then suffering there in your seat watching! Well, they stop her. The end. No plot. No nothing. NOTHING. Lines were funny. But not enough to be of redeeming value. Funny lines include, “He‘ll make a lucky man a fine wife one day.“ -After Will’s been corrected about the sex of what appeared to be a little boy. “It‘s not magical, it‘s just shiny.” -My personal favorite. It’s Will explaining to some guy about Jake’s armor. Then the last memorable one is when you think everyone’s dead. Jake brings them all back by kissing what’s-her-face. But then, Will still looks dead. “Perhaps he needs a kiss too.” Says some guy. Then just as Jake’s about to smooch his own brother, his own brother says, “Not you.” Ah, get it? GET IT? He’s alive he just wanted the girl to kiss him! Get it? There, now you never have to see it. I don’t care if the C.G.I. Is neato.

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