Saturday, April 26, 2014

Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier

For a dude whose name is in the title, the Winter Soldier is hardly on the screen. Just sayin'.

What I like about this movie is Captain America. He's a great guy. Out of all of the super heroes, I'd probably trust him the most. Superman just seems like he'd be mean to me. Batman is scary. Iron Man is vain. The Hulk... do I even have to say why I wouldn't want to be around him?

I also like Black Widow. I also like... well, I like everyone. Even Agent Hill wasn't bugging me with her dull acting.

What I don't like about this movie is that it's boring. Oh my gosh, is it boring. And it's predictable. I'M SORRY if you didn't - spoilers - know that Fury was faking it, or that the dude in charge was totally evil, (that became obvious the second time we see him when he's talking to Captain Rogers. Why? I'm not sure. But it was true, and I knew it.)

The other big shocker was that Mr. Winter was actually Roger's supposedly dead friend, or whom Oncers might know as Jefferson/The Mad Hatter, Bucky. This was not a surprise either; the reason being two fold. 1. I have access to IMDb, (how do you think I also knew he was Jefferson?) 2. He was wearing a mask! Every single time in a movie when someone wears a mask it's for one of two reasons. 1. He's actually a girl. 2. He's someone we have already met. Or, okay, there's another reason but it's rare, it's when the person in the mask is actually yourself, or even more rarely, your twin. For example, someone's chasing someone in a mask and when they catch up to them and peel the mask off it's themself! WHAT! It happened in Once Upon a Time. Then once Lindsey Lohan was fencing someone in a fencing mask who turned out to be her twin. That was The Parent Trap. (I only know because the other day I tried to watch it, got to that part and had to turn it off. I've forced myself to sit through it before, but no more!)

So, in short, I felt like I was watching the first movie again, but in the present day, with present people. I kept thinking, "Come one, stop showing so much action." Maybe you like that sort of thing. I just want my action to be something I haven't seen before. I've watched a lot of Jackie Chan movies, people; I've seen a lot. Maybe they can't come up with anything cool after Bruce Willis threw that car at that helicopter, or when in Austen Power's 3, Tom Cruise flipped over a helicopter and shot the people inside. For whatever reason, people shouldn't be bored during an action film. Am I right?

Monday, April 7, 2014

The Battle for Verona: Romeo & Juliet

With this newest version of one of Shakespeare's most popular plays hitting Red Boxes near you, I decided instead of a simple review we should discuss, like civil adults, which Romeo and Juliet is best... out of the three I've seen anyway.

Our first version is one I saw a long time ago. I saw it after I saw Baz Lurhmann's. You might recognize it as the one they watch in Twilight: Eclipse. It is often referred to as "The 60's one," because it was made in '68. It was done very well, and many people refer to it as "the best." Although, since I hardly remember it, I'll just say I do remember liking it a lot.

Our second version is Baz Lurhmann's 1996 masterpiece starring Claire Danes, Leonardo DiCaprio, Paul Rudd, John Leguizamo, Lost's Harold Perrineau, Pete Postlethwaite, and even has Jamie Kennedy in there. It's an amazing cast. It might have aired before Leo learned how to act, but Lurhmann's styling, attention to detail, and the way he captures important moments, make up for it. Because it's set in the present, and because it stars Mr. DiCaprio, it gets a bad rap. People are afraid to admit that this movie is amazing, captivating, ground breaking, and beautiful.

Our third version is the monstrosity that is this 2013 version. It stars True Grit's Oscar Nominee Hailee Steinfeld as boring Juliet, and Keira Knightly as Romeo. Oh, wait, what? You mean that wasn't Keira Knightly!? I guess I'll take your word for it. Apparently Romeo is played by a dude, and his name is Douglas Booth. Stellan Skarsgard plays the Prince, and Paul Giamatti plays Friar Lawrence. I didn't know he was in this movie and when he showed up I shouted, "WHAT IS PAUL GIAMATTI DOING THIS?" He's far too talented to be throwing his lot in with the likes of this movie, as is Mr. Skarsgard.

This movie had no character appreciation. Mercucio is the life of the party! He's funny! He's ALIVE! (Well, at least for the first half of the play.) But he nor any of the other would-be-interesting characters had... well, CHARACTER! Shakespeare is king of interesting supporting characters. But you wouldn't know it watching this movie.

And the movie is one big flat line. A movie should have ups and downs; especially a tragedy!

Tragedy indeed... for all who watched it.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

Steve Carell is hilarious.

Is it a good movie? No.

Is it freaking hilarious? Why, yes. Yes it is.

Are parts weird and random much like Billy Madison? Yep.

Is Billy Madison hilarious? YES!

Is it PG:13? Yes.

Is it VERY PG:13? No. There's about two parts that were awkward, but it wasn't one nasty thing after the next.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The Wolverine

I can't tell you how many times I've seen this movie. No. I don't mean I've seen "The Wolverine" more than once, I mean this movie is exactly like 586 thousand other tired movies.

No surprises. No mind-blowing special effects. No plot.

At one point a ninja slices Wolverine in half. HELLO! His bones are covered in a candy shell, a really, really, hard, adamantium candy shell. I'm pretty sure that sword could not cut through him. Oh, unless it's made out of red hot adamantium... apparently.

So, this ingrate wants Wolverine's rejuvenation properties. And Wolverine is like, "No way, bub." And so the ingrate is like, "Oh okay. Well, I'm gonna die now; feel free to go off for the next two hours on this POINTLESS goose chase until I, in a TOTALLY PREDICTABLE TURN OF EVENTS, surface as not-really-in-fact-dead but, rather, Iron Man... or a very poor version of Iron Man... even though I own the number on industry in Japan."

Meanwhile, there's this woman, Mariko, who's like, "My grandpa, the ingrate, died and gave me all his stuff so everyone's trying to kill me, and by everyone I mean my dad, and my grandpa who just "died," so I'm
gonna sleep with you even though apparently I'm engaged to another man who's trying to kill me, but in love with someone else, who, funnily enough, is also trying to kill me. I just meet a man who's not trying to kill me and get all weak in the knees! Kiss me!"

Yeah. Wolverine needs his X-Men friends when he does movies.