Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Dumb and Dumber To

I've never in my life wished so much for the power to unwatch the first hour of a movie that for some asinine reason I watched. I am a lesser person for having watched it that far. Not only was it not funny, but the merciless disgustingness and vortex of imploding lackness make up the worst movie I have ever seen. That's right; worse than Batman and Robin. Worse than Manos Hands of Fate. Worse than Avatar.

I say this not to be mean, but to convince those who, like me, were sure it would be funny, that it is actually offensive and humerless. There isn't enough soap in the world to cleanse my ears and eyes after sitting through just part of this movie.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

The Maze Runner

Take a movie that's super slow, then add nonsense. Yup. You've got The Maze Runner. 

It. Doesn't. Make. Sense. At the end you think, "Okay. It's answers time." But instead of answers you get plot holes. For that matter, instead of character development we get flop. Not even good flop. We get, "You know I'm not going to make it because I'm talking about getting out of here and seeing my parents" flop.

Then a girl shows up and we're like, "Oooooooh. I've never seen one of those before." Not exciting!

Then the maze doors don't close and the monsters are going to get us. DUH! Why haven't you morons been preparing for that? It was obviously going to happen!

In short it was a really dumb movie. I really was not a fan. I liked it better than Episode One, but less than Big Hero Six. (I guess that's a pretty big section of movies crammed in-between those two, but what are you gonna do?)

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Big Hero Six

I've only heard good things about this movie. I want to leave it at that but I wont. You're not reading this to hear you're opinion, so here's mine.
I thought the characters were...

No. I can't do it. Here, SOME of the characters were great, (The brothers, and I love Baymax but only because YOU HAVE TO OR ELSE YOURE A MONSTER!) but really I've seen them each in Disney movies before. It was like the makers went to the closet and started pulling out the dusty characters from previous movies. They're so last season! And if you're going to go back into that closet at least come out with Olaf or Maximus!

Before I saw it I was told that Baymax dies. Even then I knew he'd be brought back! (He's a robot! Make 12 of 'em!) I knew the bad guy wasn't who we were supposed to think he was, so obviously he'd be the dead guy. (He wears a mask for a reason. If he was the obvious bad guy he wouldn't have been in a mask. Masks are ALWAYS for the audience and they ALWAYS cover up that we already know said person or that said person is a girl when we think she's a dude.) 

 It took forever to get going. They should have offed the brother in the first ten minutes. (We didn't get attached. We saw the previews and knew it was coming!) And the dialog! NOBODY says "We're alone now because our parents died, remember?" (Or whatever the exact phrasing was.) Of course YOU remember! If that was said for our benefit then don't you think we FIGURED THAT OUT WITHOUT YOUR HELP? They live with their aunt! OBVIOUSLY we're gonna assume their parents died.


Okay, maybe I'm angry at the movie because I had just finished formatting a play for someone and it reminded me of the dialog. "Remember...." OF COURSE HE REMEMBERS!"  Or maybe I'm mad at the movie because I was expecting something... I don't know, because it was honestly exactly what I was expecting.
The thing is, I don't hate it. I sound like I do, but I don't. I just, as Rosalie Hale puts it, don't particularly like it.

I wouldn't even say that! I'd say it was all right, (while secretly repeating everything I just wrote.)