Saturday, May 28, 2011

Kung Fu Panda II

I wish I knew the cast before going in, because the cast is the best part about these new animated movies. They hire billions of stars and stuff the cast full of A-listers because they can literally phone in their performances.

Anyway, here's the cast. Memorize it so you can amaze your 2 year olds when you take them to see it.

Po (the panda) - Jack Black (but that you know already)
Tigress (the tiger) - Angelina Jolie (you knew that too)
Shifu (the chinchilla??) - Dustin Hoffman
Shen (the evil peacock) - Gary Oldman (who is in everything, but should be in even more stuff!)
Monkey - Jackie Chan (who else could do Monkey's awesome stunts?)
Mantis - Seth Rogen (Green Hornet)
Viper - Lucy Liu
Crane - David Cross (TOBIAS!)
Soothesayer - Michelle Yeoh (Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon)
Master Croc - Jean Claude Van Damme
Master Ox - Dennis Haysbert (President Palmer![The Allstate guy.])

Yeah, I get way too excited about crap like this. However, the middle-aged men behind me in the theater were acting like this matinee was the midnight premier of Harry Potter. They knew all the character's names, (which they shouted, often.) And would cheer violently whenever something "awesome" happened. I began to wonder if these men had any children with them or if they were just hard-core Dreamworks fans. "Kung Fu Panda's coming out! I'm gonna round up my drinking buddies and go see the earliest showing available!"

Every time I see Viper, I think, "AHH! Snake!" then I think, "Oh yeah. She's part of their gang," then I think, "How can they stand running around with a snake all the time?" then the snake goes down the back of Po and I think, "Eeeeeeegk."

Oh, right, the movie. I guess I can talk about that. Um. It was okay. I kinda feel towards it about the same I feel towards the first one. They were both okay. I like them. I like them both.

Friday, May 27, 2011


I was just informed that Disney is releasing The Lion King in 3D in movie theaters. (While I hear that The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D is awesome, I'm sick of 3D.) The last Harry Potter  (July 15) will be in 3D, and I will have to double check all movies for the rest of my life, and make sure I'm seeing the 2D version.

The first 3D craze of the 80's wasn't nearly so obnoxious and long-lived. I blame Avatar. Stupid, Avatar.

Luke's Sister

We all know that Episodes I, II and III are the worst things ever, and that the new-edition Episodes IV, V, and VI are abominations, but I recall days where we had enough to complain about without these new catastrophes.

In Return of the Jedi, audiences discover, as does Luke and Leia, that Luke and Leia are brother and sister! Gasp. Oh wait, it doesn't really matter. Is this Lucas's way of amazing his audience with family information, the way he did in The Empire Strikes Back? Of course. However, nothing could have been as startling and life-altering as the news that Darth Vader is Luke's father, short of discovering that the Emperor is Luke's mother, (the Emperor is, as we know, played by a woman, after all.)

Nice try, Lucas. But stop adding stupid elements that only confound the rest of the series. Now instead of "Oooh they kissed." We're shouting, "Ewe, they kissed!" And the series has an entirely different flare to it, one that is nasty!

(And while I'm at it, Lucas, stop calling me whenever you need a ride someplace!)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Switch

Jennifer Anniston wants to have a kid, so she decides to implant and raise one on her lonesome. Jason Bateman is her friend. He accidentally becomes the father of her child, pretty much without either of them realizing it.

If you can get past the first half of the movie and the constant sex-talk, (not that you should be proud of yourself if you can,) then the movie levels out and you can sit back and laugh at the few funny parts.

It's not really worth a rental. But it's not horrible. I wouldn't even call it bad. I wouldn't even call it meh. I'd call it... okay, or something. But I'll probably never watch it again.

Do you know what's happening MARCH 23, 2012?

Noooo, it's not the end of the world. That's December 2012! Silly people! It's The Hunger Games!!! I cannot wait. I'm petrified though. It had better not suck!

Here's a link for all your Hunger Games inquiries.

When do we get a preview?!

For those of you who are like, "What's the deal with this Hunger Games business?" There are three books you need to read. I'll give you a hint... no I won't. But here's a nice little enticement for ya -

Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence, right) is 15. She lives in District 12 in a dystopian society ruled by The Capitol. To remind the districts of their place, The Capitol holds a lottery each year in which a boy and girl under the age of 18 are chosen to compete for their life in... wait for it... The Hunger Games. Seriously, how have you not read these books yet?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Drillbit Taylor

Do I really need to explain the problems with this movie?

Half way through... the movie kind of goes, "Ummm, I forgot what I was doing here."

Generally I like Owen Wilson and Leslie Mann. Meh. Oh well.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Did you know the word "wimp" stems from the "wimple" worn by nuns or other women back in the day? That's right. To call someone "wimpy," is to say, "you wear a wimple." Or, "You are a woman." So, the term is essentially misogynistic. Just thought you might want to know. Anyway, you know and I know that most words now-a-days are completely relieved of all previous meanings.

Bigger anyway, you know how some kid movies are really fantastic movies? Well, Diary of a Wimpy Kid is a fantastic kid movie, and remains so in its genre. While retaining children's movies' predictability, the movie is stuffed with cuteness. The best friend, (bare with me it's been a while since I've seen it,) is ADORABLE. He's easily the best liked character in the entire movie. The rest of movie pales in enjoyability. I could watch that fat little kid all day. What I can do without, is the gross kid, (you know which one I'm talking about.) I thought the angry girl was hilarious. But that's easy. Angry people are always hilarious. (Except when they're Zooey Deschanel. Why is that girl always angry? Play a different emotion, Zooey! But hey, at least the angry emotion is more interesting than Kristen Stewart's nothing-emotion.)

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Lego Video Games

There are a lot of movies out there that are based on video games, Resident Evil, Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Tomb Raider, Final Fantasy, Super Mario Bros, Doom, Silent Hill, In the Name of the King; A Dungeon Siege Tale, Hitman, Max Payne, and Prince of Persia, to name a few.

There are not, however, many video games that were movies first. That's what these Lego games bring to the table. There's Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Batman (which actually isn't based on a movie,) Harry Potter: Years 1-4, Star Wars:Clone Wars and now Pirates of the Caribbean.

So, here are the awards:
Best Lego Video Game -
Harry Potter: Years 1-4

Second Best:
Batman (That little Joker Lego is just too cute!)

But I love and adore all of them. I am counting down the hours until they release Harry Potter: Years 5-7.2. Bring on the Bellatrix Lego! (I keep making her in those make-your-own-Lego-character rooms.)

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Boon Movies 358: Picking Your Protagonist

Here's a little movie lesson for the day. A protagonist is the person the audience is rooting for, (hence the word "pro.") Examples include, Luke in Star Wars, Harry Potter in Harry Potter, and Janee Glenn in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. In Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl the protagonist is Will Turner.
"WHAAAAAAAAT?" You ask? "It's not Jack Sparrow?"
No. It's not. If Pirates of the Caribbean were Star Wars, Jack Sparrow would be Han Solo.

So how can you recognize the protagonist? It's easy when you follow these simple steps.

1. First and foremost, the protagonist is the person who changes at the end. (A movie is a "bad" movie, when nobody changes at the end.) Continuing with the Pirates example - at the start of the film, Will Turner won't stand up for himself, but by the end of the movie he's willing to finally fight for what he believes in. (Incidentally, when you answer the question "what made the protagonist change?" You've got the purpose/moral of the movie.) To continue with the Star Wars example - Luke Skywalker first comes on the scene as a whiny, no-nothing complainer, but by the end of the movie he's saving the galaxy. However, Han Solo also goes through a monumental change! (Do you see now why we need more than one step to determine who the protagonist is?) Let's continue.

2. The protagonist leads the action. What happens, happens TO the protagonist.

3. The ANtagonist (AKA: who, or whatever, stands between the protagonist and the protagonist's goal,) is in the protagonist's way. Pirate example - Barbosa kidnaps Elizabeth Swan, which is what drives Will Turner, and thusly the entire plot. Star Wars example - Darth Vader stands between Luke and the freedom of the galaxy. Ah! It's making sense!

5. This one's a no-brainer and not always helpful - When searching for a movie's protagonist, ask yourself which person are you rooting for? Pirate example -When Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are fighting at the beginning, we're on Will's side because he's a nice guy, who isn't a known pirate, and hasn't held a sword to someone's throat in the last half hour. In Star Wars, we're not especially on Leia's side because she's a small character who's side is part of the Luke-side, and while we like Han, he's kind of an unreliable nerfherder.

The battle for protagonistship is the reason why The Prestige is such an amazing movie. The movie starts with the audience on Angier's (Hugh Jackman) side, because that mean ol' Bordon (Christian Bale) killed his wife (Rebecca Hall.) But by the end of the movie we've completely switched sides to Bordon's, because that mean ol' Angier has gone completely nuts in his revenge obsession. (And our favorite plots are the ones about revenge.)

5th Element

Have you seen Stardust? It's the exact same movie as 5th Element. There's a super powerful woman who is useless until the end where she won't use her power until the lead man tells her he loves her, then she unleashes this armageddon that would have come in handy earlier. (Although, in 5th Element she couldn't have unleashed it earlier, but there's no excuse in Stardust.

5th Element is just plain awesomeness. Why aren't you watching it right now? 

The Truth Hurts

My friend Amy showed me this link. I had to post it.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

We all know that Pirates 2 and 3 were horrible. (Right? Tell me we can all agree on this, people.) This one's better than 2 and 3, but not better than 1. And this one's a little dull. At first I thought it was dull because I've played the movie via Pirates of the Caribbean Legos on the PS3, but my husband, who hasn't played the game, was bored too. He almost fell asleep in fact, and we saw a matinee!

You know how sequels take some random hilarious event or line in an earlier movie and make it mean something? For example, remember when Jack's about to hang at the end of the first one and they're reading his crimes and they say, "Impersonating a clergy." And Jack gets a grin on his face, "Oh yeah." Well, this movie draws upon his impersonating a clergy crime. Can't something just be funny? Leave it alone!!!!

I'm fond of Geoffrey Rush, but I'm sick to death of Barbosa. I don't know why... I think it's because his skin looks like it's peeling off and his fingernails freak me out. He's awesome though. One of the most interesting things about the movie. But this movie drags.

Here's another complaint for ya, you know how in the first one Jack was always some how in charge of the situation, and it was all over the place and fantastic? In this one he is never in control of anything. Which is just kind of... not the point. Plus, in this one he's finally the protagonist, where in the first 3 movies the protagonist was Will, which means Jack didn't use to have to be predictable, and now he does.

Remember Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Well, this is the same movie, except instead of Nazis we have the British Navy and Blackbeard. And instead of Sean Connery, we have Penelope Cruz (Angelica.) Throw in the Spanish, a few man-eating mermaids, and some religious dude, and you're good to go.

I have a few questions. First, the Spanish find the fountain of youth just to destroy it? Really? Really? Second, Jack Sparrow saves Angelica's life then leaves her on a deserted island for some strange reason.... She wasn't a threat to him. She didn't do anything to him... I mean, what's his motivation here? And at the end when Syrena grabs Philip and swims off... where the heck does she take him? I thought she was gonna grab the goblets and save his life, but.... I have a theory about where she takes him, and it goes "she ate him."

Maybe I would have liked it better if I saw it in 3D....

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Tourist

Do I need to warn for spoilers? And is it a spoiler when the movie is painfully predictable? Anyway...

FYI, there's another movie out there that this is kind of mimicking, (although not as obviously as The Truth About Charlie.) The movie is Charade starring Audrey Hepurn and Carry Grant. If you haven't already seen it, go now. This can wait.

So, the cops are searching for Alexander because he owes back taxes, quite a bit of back taxes. Alexander is, as my nephew would say, Angelina Jolie's "friend." And Alexander likes his plastic surgery. His favorite past time is apparently getting a face change. So he sends a note to Angelina Jolie telling her to find a man on the train who fits his height and build, so as to lead astray the police. Angelina Jolie finds Johnny Depp, who, low and behold, an hour later turns out to be... wait for it... Alexander.

So, many of the reviews for this movie lay into it. But The Tourist wasn't that bad. Come on, guys. Ease up. It did use the highest paid female actor and the highest paid male actor, (a classic ploy to entice otherwise uninterested viewers.) But I swear it wasn't that bad. Sure, it dragged, it was filled with filler, and it was predictable....

Which brings me to today's lesson, brought to you by the letter P. Predictability! Join me in never being surprised again. When watching a movie and you find yourself curious as to what's going to happen at the end, ask yourself one simple question, "If the obvious answer isn't what I suspect it is, does the movie have a point anymore?" For example, if Johnny Depp isn't actually Alexander, then what's the point of movie? FURTHER TANGENT: For this purpose The Sixth Sense is brilliance. If Bruce Willis isn't dead, then the movie still has a point, and his character's wants remain the same as well - (which are to solve Haley Joel Osment's little problem, and to get his wife to speak to him again.) Only the whys change.

Anyway, The Tourist, now officially ruined for you, wasn't that bad.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

By the Hammer of Thor!

Like you, I'm a huge super hero fan, but never really got the appeal of Thor. I always thought of the entire Thor series as a pompous losery kind of thing. His weapon of choice is a hammer? Mmmm, okay....

But this movie didn't disappoint. Was it predictable? Sure. Was it chalk-full of the dreaded Natalie Portman, yes, but the movie was not half bad. I'd go as far as to say I like it better than Spider-man 3, better than Batman & Robin, better than both Hulks, better than Superman 4 and Superman Returns put together, better than lots of stuff.

What makes Thor fun is its sense of humor about itself, and Chris Hemsworth, (also seen as George Kirk in 2009's Star Trek,) is perfectly cast. I'm so sick of bland actors playing action heroes just because the casting director thinks action movies only need strongish looking men to pull the part off. (Don't look at me like that, Sam Worthington.)

So, here's the deal, Thor and Loki are gods, they have a dad, (Anthony Hopkins, above,) who is going to name Thor king, but changes his mind because Thor is a little hammer-happy. Thor is banished to Earth (Oh the despair! Anywhere but Earth!) and the king tells Loki that he's not really his son, but of an alien enemy race - the Frost Giants. (But just between you and me, I think he's really from She-Ra. Remember Lo-Kee? Found you this time, you little menace!) So, Thor's on Earth, he can't use his hammer, and apparently he falls for Natalie Portman. Except, the only way we know he's in love is because he says so. Can we get some relation development in here? This movie needs to go to couple's therapy and learn how to have a couple. (That is the point of it, right?)

Friday, May 6, 2011

Eat Pray Love

This movie is on right now, I'm so bored I thought I'd say hello.

Okay, so, the problem with this movie, is that it seems to have been created for the sole purpose of justifying a selfish decision.

Well, that's not the only problem with this movie, just the one that kind of starts the avalanche.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Vince Vaughn was only funny in Swingers

Don't look at me that way. You know I'm right. I mean, let's think about this.
1993 - Rudy - I don't remember him being in this movie. That ought'a mean something.
1994 - At Risk - I've never even heard of this movie.
1996 - Swingers - Awesome movie. Makes his career. He's hilarious.
1996 - Just Your Luck - Again, I've never heard of this movie.
1997 - The Lost World; Jurassic Park - This isn't exactly a comedy, though it is funny. He's not the funny part though.
We'll skip a few more movies I've never heard of and arrive at...
1998 - Psycho - Again, not a comedy.
2000 - The Cell - Not a comedy, just a really weird J. Lo movie.
2001 - Made - I don't think I saw this movie. Is it not Swingers II? The revenge of Swingers or something?
2003 - Old School - Not funny. Just crude. If I wanted crude I'd watch... just about everything else.
2004 - Starsky and Hutch - Forgetable.
2004 - Dodgeball - Boring-ball.
2005 - Be Cool - Gosh, I hate this movie. Should be called "Try Harder." (I think I wrote that in a previous blog.)
2005 - Mr. and Mrs. Smith - This movie is so vanilla. Can we get some characters in here, please? Vince Vaughn is nice in this movie, but... he's no Trent.
2005 - Wedding Crashers - I didn't see Wedding Crashers. Was it any good? Oh really? Shocking.
2006 - The Break-Up - Who wants to see a movie about people breaking up? Breaking up sucks, and so does this movie.
2007 - Fred Claus - Oh yeah, like I actually paid money to see this movie?
2008 - Four Christmases - He's just not funny anymore.
2008 - Couples Retreat - He's trying so hard. Sharks just aren't funny.