2020’s Emma

It took me a while to realize what it was about this movie that was driving me nuts. I love this movie, but it drives me nuts. Then it hit me! It’s over-directed. In its attempt to be *interesting* it’s over-directed, which leads us to... UNREALISM! Oh the dread of something not seeming real! I actually don’t get why things have to be real all the time. But I will say when something takes a step away from reality, it should have a reason... stronger than, “Because we’ve heard this story before and now we have to make it different.” It’s a good story as it is, with solid characters who’ve stood the test of time! They don’t need your cleverness! Oh they’re so proud of how effing clever they are. I’m sorry! Okay? (Spoilers.) Emma’s nose bleed. Not needed. Doesn’t add anything to the moment, or the character. The end. Next topic. The social/distanced dance in the street between Emma and Frank! Oh gosh! It’s so cwoot! They’re flirting! They’re bonding! It’s trash! It’s such cleverly directed slosh-bucket. The butts! Nudity is no substitute for wit. (I stole that from the dowager countess of Grantham, but she said, “vulgarity.” Same thing.) Reminding us that people have butts does not improve your movie. Not to boast, but some of us already knew about butts. Where was I? I raged about the nose bleed, the Covid-dancing... oh! The dance at the ball between Emma and Knightley. You know it and I know it, it was sexual! Have you, don’t answer this, ever had sex while dancing? ‘Cause Emma and Knightley have! In fact, that’s how we, and apparently Emma, discovered they liked each other. Whose eyes are those rolling around? Oh. They’re mine. So freaking clever to make the dance so steamy! Do you see how easy it is to be exhausted by the end of such a witty movie? The movie already has a perfectly capable cast, and one of the greatest stories of all time! The script is delightful! The contrived and overbearing, ridiculous, cuteness added in... excuse me. I have to use the bathroom... to barf.

I’m back. Rant over. Thing is, I really like the movie! I pressure everyone to see it, because NOBODY HAS! The actors are wonderful. If they didn’t all get married by the end, I would have married all of them! The costumes were sometimes a bit too modern-seeming... No. shut up. I’m only talking about good things now! Oh! What the frock was with that score?!?! Sorry. That’s negative again. Gosh darn it! Anyway, you may not believe me, but I really do like the movie. Plenty to enjoy... just... don’t think about it. Okay. That’s all. Bye guys.

Mary Freaking Sue

Here’s why the term “Mary Sue” sucks and needs to die:

Mary Sue’s been around for forever, and nobody cared until the trope was applied to a woman. Novelists have been writing men who are outlandishly perfect for a long time. I give you Westley from The Princess Bride who couldn’t even be tortured and when he actually died, it didn’t take. I also give you The Count of Monte Cristo, who went to prison to get more awesome. These male characters, and many like them, are impervious to everything. They’re inexplicably superior to everyone they meet. They are ridiculous, and unrealistic, and nobody cared. People give Bella Swan of Twilight a hard time for being a Mary Sue and Stephenie Meyers laughed all the way to the bank. Obviously the trope is not keeping fans away. So why bring it up like it’s something anyone should care about? “Rey’s a Mary Sue!” Sorry. Find a different excuse to hate the sequels, ‘cause that’s an unoriginal, boring reason, and history has taught us that nobody really cares about Mary Sues.

So why did someone all the sudden stand up and shout, “Hey! This female character in this fan fic is unrealistically boss! We need a term for this offense so we can shame others and act like it’s a new thing!” I’m having a problem coming up with a reason apart from: blatant sexism.

Am I wrong? I’d love to be wrong.

Klaus

All I hear is, "Klaus is so good." "Everyone should watch Klaus." So, let's talk about it, friends. Let's talk about Klaus.

It's on Netflix.

It's about a mailman whose punishment is being sent to a small town waaaaaaaay up North. The town sucks. Everyone hates each other. Worst of all, nobody goes to school, and nobody mails letters, because of the hate.

Our friend, mail dude, has to mail 6,000 before he can go home, to his life of mailman luxury. He steals a kid's drawing, a drawing of said kid looking sad, and tells the kid she can have it back if she purchases postage. Her parents show up, and he runs off, with the drawing. He runs into a big scary guy, AKA Santa, (or Klaus,) who finds the drawing, and makes the postman deliver to the sad girl a toy. (Klaus has lots of toys.) So the postman does it, and soon every kid in town thinks if they mail a letter to Klaus he'll mysteriously deliver a toy to them in the middle of the night.

Well the kids start getting along, and guess who hates that? A few old people. So they try to Grinch Santa and the mailman. Then everyone finds out the mailman was really just trying to get the heck out of their sucky town, and they're really upset at him.
Here's where I go, "Oh come on. Is that really so bad?" In this movie's hurry to be formulaic, they missed making the mailman's sins against his friends, really that big of a bummer. His girlfriend, the teacher, was doing the exact same thing! Then she holds it against him when it comes out he was doing the same thing? Come on.

Then there's a touching moment, that made me cry, and that's when I went, "Oh. There it is. I cried. That's why everyone likes this movie."

To sum it up, it's okay. It's kind of heartwarming if you like warm hearts and all that. I give it a meh on the Boonie scale. Well... it's better than meh, but it's meh. It's not The Iron Giant. Maybe I'm angry because I expected more.

I liked the kid with the carrot, (above.)