Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Men in Black III

Agent J goes back in time to save Agent K's life, and to kill the Flight of the Conchord's alien guy.

You'll never guess what happens.

It was very nearly almost funny at some points. It DOES have the tiny, yet hugely annoying, aliens in it, (but only for about five horrible seconds.) The ending was sweet, the middle was boring, and the beginning was badly written. The dialog was ground breaking... but not in a good way.

I'd say it was better than the second movie, worse than the first. Is that what you wanted to hear?

Josh Brolin did a wonderful job being Young Tommy Lee Jones. They should make a Fugitive prequel. (That was a joke! Don't do it!)

Oh, and GOB was in it!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Hollywood Poetry

Who knew a short poem could be more entertaining than the movie it was written about?

My sister wrote a poem about Transformers. I think it sums things up rather nicely. So without further ado, I give you...

"Of Cyberton"

Distant view, a planet gone
Beloved childhood theme song
Come to Earth and make the case
Save Shia le Bouf and the Human Race

Most of the details escape me
But Bumblebee learned how to pee
And, lo, here's a mighty yawn
Until they wake up Megatron

Then! Avalanche! Of! Cartoon! Violence!

Do we in the dark even care?
Oh! Megan Fox in underwear.
Upon us all, the message foist
"Human beings must have a choice"

"What the hell?" I wish to shout
"Is that what this crap-fest's all about?"
If that was the point I would have known
To save 10 bucks and stay at home.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

In Honor of Mother's Day

First, I would like to draw attention to how I spelled the word "honor" without a U. There is no "you" in honor. Thank you very much.

All right. For Mother's Day I would like to post a comparison of all the greatest Mother's Day movies... except, rather like Thanksgiving, there aren't a lot of movies about this holiday. Maybe that's because Hallmark invented it, or maybe because a lot of people aren't taking their moms to movies on Mother's Day. So, instead, we'll just do a comparison of...


Now, my mom looks like Kathy Bates (left). Her first name, in fact, is Kathy! How crazy is that! So when I think of a movie with a mom in it, my first thought is Misery. But.... I don't think that movie really has anything to do with being a mother.... Then again, I don't have kids. So... I guess it could be a lot like being a mother.

So, now we can move on to actual movie-mothers.

And what the heck, let's include miniserieses, just for fun. (Is it "miniserieses" or "miniseri"? [Don't answer. I'm not really asking.]) My most favorite-to-hate mother in a miniseries has to be Mrs. Bennett (right) from BBC's Pride and Prejudice. My mom, and myself, love this version of Jane Austen's beloved classic. Watching this is literally like unto watching the book, and Mrs. Bennett is so obnoxious and screechy! Alison Steadman has "horrible mother" down to a tee. I know a lot of you folk out there have only seen the Keira Knightly version which is nothing like the novel and... frankly... horrible. So, please, go watch this 6 hour miniseries. You won't regret it... unless you're one of my brothers. My dad likes it, but my brothers don't. What are you gonna do?

Mom number two comes at us from my favorite movie, About a Boy. Toni Collette plays Fiona, a European hippie-mom, who is deeply depressed, and appears to be wearing some sort of yeti costume.

Toni Collette (right) comes back for our #3 mom from The Sixth Sense. It wasn't that this mom was particularly fantastic, but any character played by Toni Collette is going to exceed expectations.

Narcissa Malfoy (left) is one devoted mother who comes to us from Harry Potter. Sure, she's evil and all, and the sister of Bellatrix Lestrange, and the wife of Lucius Malfoy, and the mother of Draco Malfoy. But that doesn't mean she doesn't put her son's needs over the needs of... well, Snape....

Perhaps a better example of good parenting from the Harry Potter series would be Molly Weasley, who raised an entire army of gingers, and ended up killing the series' most awesome villain.

And let's not forget my favorite 24 character-turned Twilight star, Sarah Clarke's Renee (right) in Twiligiht. Sure, she's on the screen for a total of maybe nine seconds, but 24 has trained me to be very excited every time I see Nina on screen! "It's Nina!!!" That means something awesome is about to happen.

Okay, that's all I can think of. And you know what's nice about this list, is that my mom is still the greatest, even though these moms are all well known and stuff. Happy Mother's Day, punks!

Dark Shadows

I've never seen a movie where the title was named after a complexion problem that was so much fun. (The movie was fun; dark circles under the eyes are not fun.)

It was full of actors I love. And that was nice. And it was nice seeing a more "classic" Johnny Depp character.

It wasn't the most story-driven movie ever. But it was cute and fun. It was not, however, suitable for children. Not just because of all the spooky ghosts, but it was quite dirty at times. At least I found it a bit dirty... and spooky.

Johnny Depp lives a long time ago. His love is murdered by a jealous witch who turns him immortal and buries him. He wakes in 1972, eats hippies, and protects his affected family. Based off the soap opera.

Friday, May 4, 2012

The Greatest Super Hero Movies

Disclaimer: I forgot about Watchmen. Insert "Watchmen" anywhere on this list above #10, (obviously.)

By all means, tell me if I've left something out. (And for the last time, Transformers movies do not count.)


1. The Dark Knight (No surprises here. Right?)
2. Batman Begins
3. Spider-Man II
4. Spider-Man
5. Iron Man

Now you might be thinking, "I agree with your top 5, but not with the order." And that's okay. We can still be friends if we agree that these are the top 5 greatest super hero movies, in any order you want to put them. Here's the rest...

6. X-Men United (X2)
7. X-Men
8. Superman II
9. Superman
10. The Mask of Zorro (right)
11. The Avengers
12. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (Animated)
13. Thor
14. Captain America
15. Iron Man II
16. Batman Forever
17. X-Men Origins: Wolverine
18. Batman the Movie
19. The Incredible Hulk (Edward Norton)
20. Van Helsing (right)
21. Hell Boy
22. X-Men First Class
23. Superman III
24. Batman Returns
25. Batman
26. Blade
27. Ghost Rider
28. Ghost Rider II
29. Hell Boy II
30. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
31. Hancock
32. Green Hornet
33. The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
34. The Fantastic Four
35. Spider-Man III
36. X-Men III
37. The Rocketeer
38. Electra

I'm sorry, I cannot rate some movies such as Spawn, The Punisher, The Phantom, The Shadow, Underworld, Blade II, etc., because it's been far too long since I've seen them. And some movies I haven't seen, such as the newest The Punisher, and Catwoman.

While the last five movies weren't the greatest movies ever, these next few are WHOPPERS!

The Hulk (right)
Green Lantern
Superman Returns
The Legend of Zorro

superman IV

And, ladies and gentlemen, for your entertainment, I bring you...


*drums rolling*

Batman and Robin

The Avengers

What's nice about Marvel is that, unlike DC movies, they can laugh at themselves, and invest some sense of humor into their movies. Half the movie wasn't heard because of audience laughter. It was down right distracting! I loved it.

Were parts slow? Absolutely. Was it filled with whole-hearted predictable goodness? For sure! Did ANYBODY care? Of COURSE not! 

I'm glad they FINALLY decided to give the Black Widow substance. I'm glad they found a way to make Hawk-Eye feel included. I'm also glad Natalie Portman wasn't in it. 

Does The Dark Knight Rises have anything to worry about? Absolutely not. But I fully and completely enjoyed The Avengers.

And now for a word about The Hulk. I've seen The Hulk, AND The Incredible Hulk which was supposed to be "just as good as Iron Man." And it even had Edward Norton in it! But I only liked The Hulk, in this movie. When he was just Mark Ruffalo, he was vulnerable and down-right suicidal, but when he was The Hulk he was a lovable spaz. Which brings me to my next analogy, Hulk is to The Avengers as Joey is to Friends. Alone, he is dull and boring, but with his friends he is entertaining as hell.