Thursday, August 30, 2012

Feminist Post

Ever notice how if the general male population doesn't like a lady-movie then people start thinking the movie (and everything about it) is lame?

Can you name a man-movie that the female population didn't like and society as a whole decided to consider the movie lame?

Equality of the sexes starts when women stop trying to be like men, and stop caring what men think about movies.

Standing By

So we pre-ordered The Hunger Games on fancy-pants-blue-ray, and then we watched it! (Now I've seen it twice.)

I stand by my complaint that there's not enough romance in it.

If you're a fourteen year old boy, and you saw the movie with your dad, and neither of you liked it, I have news for you... NOBODY'S SURPRISED! It's a young adult novel with a female lead. YOU are not the demographic. I know you're used to being the demographic, and I know you think if you don't like it, being a male and all, it must be lame, but you're wrong; the movie rocks, and you suck.


Saturday, August 18, 2012

Mary Poppins (the play)

Thanks to my husband for writing that last blog about The Bourne Legacy. While he went out for a guy's night to the movies, I went for a girl's night down to LA to see Mary Poppins the Broadway musical at the Ahmanson Theatre. While it's not a movie, it's based on a movie, so shut up.

Unlike the play Beauty and the Beast, (which I saw in the early, early 90's,) Mary Poppins strays from the movie like a lost dog. I found this at times refreshing because I compared it to the beloved movie less, while at other times I kept wondering, "Wait. What happened to the song that went there? Oh. There it is." or, "Oh. I guess they cut that song. Huh." or, "Okay, they've made this new song a giant theme for the entire play and... it's kind of bland. Oh well." The end result was that I left the theatre wanting to watch the movie, but in a good way. I left the theatre after seeing Beauty and the Beast wanting to see that movie too, but only in order to get the play out of my head.

The cast was delightful, although I'm used to hearing opera concerts and switching from those to Broadway is a little daunting. I like the vibrato, and when show-tune singers don't use it, guess what? They often times go flat. Does everyone notice? No. But some of us snobs are sure to. But that didn't happen often, and most of the time I was impressed and thrilled by the acting, singing, and dancing. I'm always amazed when people can sing and dance at the same time. I can barely walk down Main Street while singing and holding my candle, (it took me three years to learn how to do it without stepping on the person in front of me. But mainly it's hard to sing and dance because of the whole breathing thing.)

I realized something I probably already knew, the part where the chimney sweeps encroach upon the Bank's homestead and sing everything someone says is my favorite part.

The plot and overall theme of "Dad's a Jerk. Mary Poppins fixes Dad." struggled to fight for dominance over the other themes of "We need a better nanny." "We miss Mary Poppins." "The toys hate us." "Who's Neleus's Father?" "George Banks was a child once with a horrible nanny." etc. Part of how the play strayed from the movie was in the sense of a coherent plot. This play was all over the place, but this play was also a royal blast and entirely enjoyable. Take it from someone who's seen a lot of good and crappy plays... and someone who's been in a lot of good and crappy plays.

The stunts were incredible, but what I assume were many jokes, were lost due to poor diction... or maybe they just weren't funny. There was one laugh that I remember, and it was improvised by Bert, ("This is harder than it looks.") (One can tell improv when one sees it, thank you very much.) Yet, I was smiling throughout the entire thing.

-Happy Birthday, Pnutdolly. Sorry you missed out on the play in London, glad we were able to see it together in LA.

The Bourne Legacy

So typically my wife writes this blog, but I think I can fill in sometime for her.   I recently saw The Bourne Legacy and it is without a doubt one of the more disappointing movies I’ve seen all year long.  You want Romance?   There is maybe one or two sexy looks from Rachel Weise put in, but that’s it.   You want action?  Yeah it is there, but a boatload of action from Hawkeye (aka Jeremy Renner) isn’t exactly what makes the original movies the same.  What is it as a movie?
Think of a couple that doesn’t really love each other, but is forced together by some weird Bourne Drug to work together against, not only the CIA, but the “beta” version of Jason Bourne v 2.0.  Weird huh? 
Don’t get me wrong, Hawkeye and Rachel Weise are amazing. Edward Norton has a solid performance as well despite  him having like 4 scenes and just barking orders. But the movie doesn’t really end anything for the Bourne series, but is more of some awesome takes of Hawkeye using a sniper rifle instead of a bow.   What is my take?  Redbox might even be too much to pay.  Think Netflicks, or borrow from a friend.   The movie just doesn’t answer questions, and just has a semblance of a plot.  The movie has enough to whet the appetite, but not enough to feel satisfied.  

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Date Night 2

No, I didn't just go see a movie called Date Night II; While I wish I did, I'm actually posting a sequel post to the one I once posted about great movies to see on dates. The last time I did this I posted the greatest date movie in every genre.  But really, if you're going to a movie, and you want to take someone you like-like, then you're probably thinking you have to go see a romance, or *shudder* a romantic comedy, or WORSE crap-sap, while you really wish you could see something packed with action and death. (I'm talking to the ladies, obviously. I don't know why guys enjoy romantic comedies and crap like that so much. Or if they don't like them, why do they keep dragging ladies to them? Losers.)

So, here are some weally womantic action-packed movies.

(Tangent: Books that already have a HUGE fan following of women (Twilight, Hunger Games,) that decide to butch it up come movie time for "the guys" make me sick. Don't take out romance to make a movie more appealing to men. Don't aim for that "third heat" when the 2nd and 1st heat has made you rich.)

On to the actiony romance films!

1. Spider-Man II. Not only is this movie funny. It also has a WEDDING! Now pay attention, if a movie has a wedding in it chances are... it's ROMANTIC. (Yes, I'm including Braveheart.) Which brings me to my next movie...

2. Braveheart (above). The movie has "heart" in the title. Yes. It's romantic.

3. Pirates of the Caribbean. My GOODNESS this movie is full of romance... and fighting.

4. 28 Days Later (right). "That was longer than a heartbeat." Yep. Romance! ROMANCE I TELL YOU!

Now, here's a list that might be even MORE HELPFUL -

Action movies you THINK will be romantic but AREN'T!

1. GI Jane (left). How often do non-romance movies have female protagonists? Not very often. In fact, this one and Alice in Wonderland are really all I can think of.

2. Transformers III: Dark of the Moon. You might argue that this movie has romance in it, but I'm here to tell you this is one of the worst movies of all time, and whatever emotion it carries... is not love.

3. Cowboys Vs Aliens (right). Okay, YOU might not have thought this was going to have a lot of romance, but I kinda did, so BACK OFF! Granted, it had a wittle bit.

4. The Count of Monte Cristo. No. Wait. No. That's not right. Never mind.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Total Recall

The PG-13 rating didn't prepare me for naked breasts (3 of them. [While I knew the character was in the movie, I was unaware she would be topless.]) Perhaps that was my bad, and I should have read more about it, but WHO DOES THAT? Nobody. I hate PG-13 movies with nudity, and F-bombs. I hate them. That's right, I also hate Titanic and Across the Universe.

That being said, I had a feeling the worst was behind me, (and it was,) and stayed for the entire thing; (I wanted my 14 dollars worth!) So, I sat through a LOT of strobe-light-shaky-cam, a lot of Kate Beckinsale swearing, a lot of Colin Farrell trying really hard, and a lot of Jessica Beil not being as awesome as Kate Beckinsale.

I liked that Hal (left) from Malcolm in the Middle was in it. (He's also in Seinfeld.)

I liked that the wife character was in the movie throughout the entire thing, and didn't just vanish after the first act. But altogether the Arnold version was a better movie, (but a more R rated one.)

I'm not sure why they remade this movie... well, I'm not sure why they remake any movie... apart from the whole money thing.

In short, don't bother.

Mirror Mirror

Written by children for children.

The awesome thing about Disney, is that they usually write clean, but they don't write FOR children. Meanwhile, shows like Ice Age, Mirror Mirror and Batman and Robin seem to be exclusively for children, and not to be enjoyed by adults.

I have to hand it to Armie Hammer (who played Prince Alcott and reminded me of Brendan Fraser,) he really gave the "puppy love" scene all he had, despite its ridiculousness. So instead of rolling my eyes and wanted to throw the red-boxed movie across the room, I was reminded of the goofy scenes from Xena. I can handle a little bit of goof.

But Julia Roberts is not scary, (which I think is on purpose, because the scariest parts were drawn over with happy faces [literally].) nor do I believe anything she says. I don't even think she's really vain, just kind of... there.

It was also predictable. But then again, what isn't?

This movie has no plot, and no story line. If I were to tell you what this movie was about I would be like, "Uhhhhh. Oh okay, Queeny doesn't like Girlie, so Queeny tries to kill Girlie via beast in the woods. It doesn't work and Girlie meets up with 7 dudes. Princey likes Girlie. Girlie and Queeny like Princey. Girlie wins." So, yeah. Void of story, void of plot, void of interest... yet, somehow... still a bit entertaining. It was definitely not anywhere near being the worst movie ever, even though I wanted it to be. I'm starting to feel sorry for Batman and Robin and their years and years of undefeated championship in that area.

At least Lily Collins isn't horribly obnoxious, and can actually act better than that boring Mia Wasikowska what played Alice in 2010's Alice in Wonderland. I mean holy cow!

Warning: turn it off the SECOND it's over. It gets all kinds of Bollywood during the closing credits!

Monday, August 6, 2012

15 Reasons Why Pocahontas is Better Than Avatar:

Disney is letting Pocahontas out of the vault. I'm sure most of you are excited, while the other most of you could care less. I'm also aware that many of you say, "Avatar is Pocahontas set on a different planet in the future." or some such, and technically I would agree with you. However, Pocahontas is a MUCH better movie than Avatar, and for that reason, and others, I'm gonna get myself a copy when it's finally re-released.

15 Reasons Why Pocahontas is Better Than Avatar:

1. The Music! My personal favorite Disney female aria is "Just Around the River Bend." And while some songs just suck, "Mine, Mine, Mine" is pretty darn awful, the songs are still fun, have something interesting in them, and they're just not terrible! Meanwhile, Avatar is void of awesome singing.

2. Pocahontas has Christian Bale (left) in it. I bet you didn't even know that.

3. I bet you also didn't know Judy Kuhn (Les Miserables' Cosette,) sings the voice of Pocahontas.

4. I bet you did, however, know that Mel Gibson's in the movie. He was also in Braveheart. The lead male in Avatar was also in Clash of the Titans. I think Mel wins, (we'll ignore his real life antics.)

5. Pocahontas has amazing art. Avatar's art is stolen from Lothlorien.

6. Pocahontas strays like crazy from actual events. Avatar is complete nonsense.

7. Pocahontas  doesn't need to be in 3D to be at all interesting.

8. Pocahontas has this part where John Smith is about to kill her, but then he doesn't because she keeps staring at him. Avatar is lame.

9. Pocahontas has one of my favorite stock character traits: the dude who learns to shoot again. Just like Carl Winslow at the end of Die Hard learns to use his gun to kill again, and the audience cheers, so does Thomas learn to try his hand at shooting one more time, and success! Well, the success isn't as cheer-ific as the one at the end of Die Hard, but still! Don't we all love that moment when the guy conquers his fears of killing?

10. Liking Native Americans unto a gnarly alien race is just plain wrong. And the way they manipulated the horse-things was just sexual and disgusting. Meanwhile, Pocahontas has cute little critters!

11. Pocahontas does crazy things like jumping off water falls, and spitting water at her annoying friends. I don't remember any spitting in Avatar. And they call this movie entertaining!

12. Pocahontas is an inspiration to all people. The only inspiration I felt during Avatar was to leave the theater and go sneak into The Young Victoria.

13. The preview for Pocahontas was just a super preachy song. The preview for Avatar was... I don't remember. And what does THAT tell ya? (Because I have no idea where I'm going with this.)

14. Look what I can do! **stands on one hand**

15. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I think I've made my point.