I wrote this up YEARS ago, and saved it for some reason.
BEST
The Man Behind the Boobs, the Marylin and the Spartacus.
Of course I’m talking about the grumpy old man, Jack Lemon in his role as a cross dresser in “Some Like it Hot.”
Addressing Jack’s character, (Jerry/Daphne,) as “comic relief,” may be called unfair as he is also the co-star. After all is said and done, (like at the end of the movie,) he’s not the one sprouting beautiful,
moonlit romanticise's like, “But I’m a bum,” he’s the one trying to tell his fiancee, (a dirty, old, rich, man,) Osgood, that he’s not marriage material because he’s not a real blond, he smokes, and because he’s a man.
With all the best lines in the show with perfected deliverence, Jack Lemon made Some Like it Hot more than just a black and white Marylin Monroe movie. He made it a black and white hilarious Marylin Monroe movie. Who couldn’t laugh as Jerry and Joe, a saxophone player and a bow fiddler, seek refuge from a mob in an all girl, all blond, jazz band. When Jerry and Joe meet Sugar, (Monroe,) who admits to being a sucker for saxophones but wants to meet a rich man, and try to flirt with her as men.
Jerry’s best lines include…
After Jerry announces his engagement, Joe asks -
JOE: Who’s the lucky girl?
JERRY: I am.
Then continues playing the maracas and singing along to the repetitive tango song he’s been dancing to all night.
When Sugar introduces Daphne (Jerry) to Junior (Joe dressed up like a millionaire,) she tells Daphne what Junior told her which is Junior has a yatch and he might come and hear them play tonight.
JERRY (as Daphne): Oh do come. And bring your yatch!
When Sugar tells Josephine (Joe dressed in drag,) about Junior…
SUGAR: He owns a yatch ---
JERRY (as Daphne): He also owns a bicycle.
Later when Jerry’s out talking to Osgood and spots Joe ridding on a stolen bike…
JERRY: How bout that, he does have a bicycle.
JOE: What are you going to do on your honeymoon?!
JERRY: Well we’ve been discussing this. He’s thinking Peurto Rico but I’m leaning towards Niagra Falls.
JOE: Why would a man want to marry a man?!
JERRY: Security.
OSGOOD: Do you pluck it or do you use the bow?
JERRY (as Daphne): Well most the time I just slap it.
While Sugar and Jerry as Daphne hang out in his bunk.
“Oh don’t do that. You’ll ruin my surprise.”
When Sugar wants to tell Josephine about Junior and her and Jerry as Daphne wait for him in their room and Jerry’s expecting Josephine to show up dressed like Junior…
SUGAR: Maybe she went shopping.
JERRY (as Daphne): Oh that’s it. I bet any minute she’ll come down this hall in a new outfit!
When Sugar thinks she received flowers from “Junior.”
SUGAR: My mother would be so happy!
JERRY (as Daphne): I hope mine never finds out.
The Man Who Destroyed The Mummy Returns.
Naturally I speak of
Beni in
The Mummy. I say he destroyed
The Mummy Returns simply because it would have been a better movie if
Beni was in it!
In the first four seconds we meet Beni he ditches his friends pre-battle and even shuts out our star to die alone in battle… not that he does.
Beni goes on to being on the same ship as our star, Rick O’Connel, to Mummyland. He guides Americans to Haminaptra where all he wants is gold. Rick goes for the girl, the girl goes for a golden book. Anyway, Beni gets thrown overboard by Rick and says things like, “Think about my children.” And Rick says, “You don’t have any children.” Then Beni’s all, “One day I might.”
Lo and behold Beni up and joins Imhotep (the undead Mummy) for profit but not before he shouts at his jacket to “leave me!” and flings it off and is confronted by Imhotep where Beni proceeds to pray to every god he can think of. Looks like the God of the Hebrews saves his hide because Imhotep recognizes the language of the slaves.
Moving on! Although evil and wicked, you still think of Beni as Rick’s friend. He’s all of our friend and is so adorably shallow he… well he reminds me of my dog.
The Star of the Movie is the Comic Relief? I Give You Captain Jack Sparrow…
Of
Pirates of the Caribbean. Call him the star but one of the only stars who
doesn’t end up with the girl. He and Luke are on their own. Therefore I give myself leave to
categorize him as a bit of hilarity.
The first time we see Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow he stands proudly high, high up in the ship… moments later we learn this ship is tiny and he’s only three feet off the deck. His boat sinks so that only the tip is over water when he docks it and a man demands money for parking his “ship.” When Jack Sparrow turns to look at his sunken ship we laugh some more. Hahahahaha. Like that. Our laughter goes on and Captain Sparrow will always be in our hearts. Thanks Will for saving his life at the end! Surprisingly, new starlet, (er, "star,") Orlando Bloom wasn’t what made audiences come back for seconds and thirds. It was Johnny Depp in one of his only unpretty roles. (I refer to this and Edward Sizzorhands.)
The Thing Behind the Contsant Complaining.
To like
Gurgi or to hate
Gurgi? When watching Disney’s
The Black Cauldron, one might thing, “
Ack, this thing is like
Dobby!” but take a deep breath and realise this thing is a BLEND and BLEND! It’s a little like
Dobby from
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, but also a bit selfish like our beloved
Golum from
The Lord of the Rings. Yet, a bit
heroic like… well, like
Ghergi. Not always funny, but
always funny when imitated, and always meaning well,
Gurgi staples his name on our shoulders which is pretty close to our hearts.
Along with saving the day and stuff, Gurgi sprouts stupid third person sayings, like, “Talen has lots of friends. Gurgi has no friends.” and, “Munchies and crunchies in here somewhere.”
Needless to say, my brother does an excellent impersonation of Gurgi and it cracks me up.
Who’s that Fat Guy in the Tighty Whities!? That’s Jack Black in
Orange County, as the hilarious older brother who’s just a pill
poppin’ loser. Why do we love this character? The answer is simple, because he’s Jack Black.
The Man Next to Jackie Chan.
Owen Willson’s funny in everything he does but something about Roy O’Bannen in Shanghai Knights and Noon make my insides burst with laughter. ‘Nough said.
The Other Masked Murderer
Billy the boyfriend
wasn’t the only killer in
Scream. We
mustn’t forget Matthew
Lillard. One of my all time favorite actors because of his role as Stu in this stupid, stupid, yet funny movie. Lines like, “I’ll be right back,” “Did you really call my mom?“ and “Liver alone. Get it?
Outch, it’s a joke.” turn me inside out from laughter implosion every time. The look on his face, the
dilliverance, all priceless.
This Week's New Face.
It’s
Cronk from,
The Emperor’s New Groove. A surprisingly fantastic movie!
Cronk is stupid but sure can cook! He comes in useful when searching for the talking lama and when speaking to woodland animals. He’s also useful when he turns on evil
Isma and falls down a thingy which ends at a door when opened knocks
Isma off to her doom. Try the
spinach puffs.
The Expected and the Unexpected.
Naturally I’m talking about BOTH Lilo AND Stitch from Disney’s Lilo and Stitch.
Lilo punching that red-head was so unexpected and wonderful. Okay, but we all know that Stitch is the real comic genius with his lines. Like when what’s-his-face says, “I’ll rebuild you, Make you taller and less fluffy.” Stitch replies, “I like fluffy!” And again with the
fluffyness when
Jangu (that big whale thing) is telling him he’s horrible and he’s meant to destroy and Stitch says, “Also cute and fluffy!” But the best parts are when he bites his feet and rolls around the house. And quite possibly the funniest part of the movie is when he’s destroying everything in Lilo’s room and she tells him to try and build something for once. So he makes a scale of San Fransisco. Then acting like the killer spider in the movie
Earth vrs. the Spider he destroys San Fransisco and chews on the cars. Another great part, the end, when he’s playing hot potato with the explosive gun and gives it to what’s-his-face and says, “Merry
Chirstmas.” What’s-his-face replies, “It’s not Christmas.” And what does Stitch say? “Happy Hanuka!” Oh, what a funny, funny alien made life form. Oh, let’s not forget the facial expressions of Stitch throughout the whole movie… let’s go watch it right now!
Just to Name a Few.
The Little Mermaid-
Flounder- “Then the seagul came and it was this is this and that is that.”
Scuttle- “Woah, what a swim.” “I was flying, well of course I was flying…”
Sebastian- “He’d say he’s gonna kill himself a crab! That‘s what her father‘d say!”
Finding Nemo-
Doris- “I wish I could speak Whale.” “Eez-Kaw-Pay. That’s funny, it’s spelled like escape.”
X-Men 2. United-
Night-Crawler- (I forget what he did that was so funny. It was in the jet. Get off my back.)
WORST
The Gargoyels Behind the Plot.
In Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame Quasimodo, and we, are haunted by would-be adorable Gargoyles who apparently come to life when Quasimodo’s around.
FYI, If you’re naming the Gargoyles after the Author of the tome
The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Victor Hugo, you might want to look up his middle name, Marie, and name your girl gargoyle after Mr. Hugo as well. Eh, my point is, these gargoyles are
wasteful. Their song sucks. No offence to those who play them but the movie would be more enjoyable if the only comic relief was
Pheobus. Yeah, and leave the one liners to Esmeralda, “You missed a spot.“
Honestly, it was a dark book, don’t try to make it a light happy movie by adding gargoyles who can’t get over the fact they’re made of stone.
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