Into the Woods

Probably one of the best cast movie musicals in a LONG time. Into the Woods doesn't disappoint, and I'm a huge fan of the original.

I think this calls for a character breakdown!

The Witch
Played by Meryl Streep
Sometimes an actress/tor is fantastic in a movie and that carries them through for the rest of their lives. Meryl Streep had a moment in Sophie's Choice and everyone had no choice but to love her for it. But for those of us who have never seen Sophie's Choice we don't care about her acting. She's not BAD, she's just not as amazing as everyone seems to think. Although, I thought she was fine in this. Not my favorite, but not dreaded or the worst and rather pleasant and pleasing. Obviously her vocal talents pale compared to Bernadette Peters', who rocked the role originally. I also dug her costume... And all the costumes really. But it's surprising how well Streep pulls off blue hair.

The Baker
Played by James Corden
I have never heard of this dude before, but his performance was lovable. He and his ghostly father skip one of the most beautiful songs in the musical, but we won't hold that against him.

The Baker's Wife
Played by Meryl Streep's Devil Wears Prada co-star, and one of my favorites, Emily Blunt
Almost made me feel sorry for her as she was cheating on her husband with the prince, she was so vulnerable, and just a wonderful actress. So talented.

Cinderella
Isn't it funny that the biggest star to come out of Twilight is Anna Kendrick? Should have known; I loved her as jealous teen Jessica, and I still love her as Cinderella. I'll probably love her in EVERYTHING!

Cinderella's Prince
Chris Pine! Holy cow. Who knew he was so funny? You might know him best as the new Captain Kirk in the new Star Trek movies. I was laughing myself to tears almost every time he was on screen! Hilarious.

Jack
Might recognize this kid from the movie musical Les Miserables a few years ago. He was Gavroche. Let's keep this kid around.

Little Red
We'll keep her around too.

Rapunzel
Maybe not the most stellar soprano ever, but interesting and fun to watch.

Rapunzel's Prince
Almost as funny as Chris Pine.

Cinderella's Step Mother
Christine something. She starred in Bowfinger and Chicago as well. I love this woman.

Step Sisters
Lucinda, played by Lucy something, was in Dinner for Schmucks. The two step sisters were pretty perfect.

The Wolf
Played by Johnny Depp
The Wolf was the perfect mix of hunger for food and hunger for... ahem, hugs. While Depp isn't the greatest singer in the world, he's not wholly terrible either and always interesting. It was a fun cameo.

Cinderella's Mother
She sang her song a lot lower than originally written, but I liked her and the cool way she came out of the tree.

Jack's Mother
Played by Tracey Ullman
Perfect casting yet again.

The Prince's Stewart
I found him quite interesting. He made an impression even with a moderately small role.

The Giant
Does she look familiar through those trees? Maybe you recognized her playing the half-giant love interest of Hagrid's in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. She's supberb in both.

Overall, I had very few complaints. The movie carries the certain "Into the Woods feeling" you get from watching the play or listening to the soundtrack. We bought the soundtrack, actually, which says a lot. I'm excited to own this movie and, let's face it, watch "Agony" over and over.

Mockingjay Part I The Hunger Games

I'm a little late to the game in seeing movies now-a-days, but you still care what I think. Right?

**crickets**

Okay.... So, instead of telling you what I thought about the movie, I'll tell you my favorite parts!

1. When Gale and friends come back from their rescue mission and are okay, and the first thing we see is... JOANNA! I started laughing. I love that girl. She was mad.


2. When Katniss kisses Gale and he says, "I knew you were going to do that." And she says, "How? I didn't?" And he said, "Because I'm hurt." It was beautiful. Bravo, movie!

3. "She went back for the cat." And my brain screams, "STUPID CAT!" And I know everyone's brain is screaming the same thing. Ahhh, brain jinx.

4. Effie was awesome. I love Elizabeth Banks. I imagine it's easy to get into Effie-character when you put on all the costumes and makeup, but for this she had to act like Effie wearing the worst clothes ever. Really I loved all the cast. I could eat them up. But I won't because that's an abomination.

To sum up, it was beautifully crafted, but you'll excuse me if it's my least favorite of the three so far. I hate Part I's, and like most Part I's this was definitely depressing. I'm looking forward to Part II though. Those are usually fantabulous. However, I know who's going to die, and I don't like it.

Hercules vs Hercules

I know what you're thinking, how can any man fight himself? Shut up and listen.

Instead of writing about the dullness of the Rock's Hercules, I'm going to ask the age old question...

WHICH HERCULES WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT?

1. Cartooncles


2. Emmetcles



3. Sorbocles


4. Rockles


Ignore the fact that  Rockles has some pretty fierce friends. We're just talking about rounding up all the Herculeses and throwing them into the Colosseum. Who'd come out victorious?

Keep in mind that Rockles is "a mere human," and that Cartooncles kicks butt.

Yeah. I'm going with Cartooncles. This isn't even fun.

Maleficent

Why didn't I hate this movie? I thought I would. It takes something cool and shines a light on it, while it was cool because it didn't have a light on it. Know what I mean?

Anyway, the whole "she's not really the evil one" is so Wicked, that it made me want to compare the two. However, I can't because I haven't actually read the book, seen the play, or given a crap about it. So, we'll just conclude that all movies about a female villain who is actually not the bad guy are meh.

Transformers: Age of Extinction

I hope Transformers movies are extinct. One was nothing special, Two was forgettable, Three was the worst, and Four was so boring I left the room before it was over. (We Redboxed it. If you haven't noticed, we don't go out to the movies that often anymore. It's called "a one-year-old.")

I'm glad it had Marky Mark in it instead of Shia Lagoofed. But did it have to be three hours long? Did it have to be boring? HOW DO THEY MAKE BORING ACTION MOVIES?

Yes. Optimus Prime rides a robot T-Rex, and it's still dull.

Better yet, HOW DO THEY MAKE BORING ACTION MOVIES ABOUT GIANT ROBOTS THAT CAN TURN INTO CARS AND DINOSAURS, WITH FRAZIER AND STANLEY TUCCI IN THEM?

Seriously. How?

I guess it doesn't matter how awful the movie is. People eat it up. Just do me a favor and talk about this the next time you want to talk about a dumb franchise, and let Twilight take a break.

Blended

I went to the RedBox to rent the newest Transformers, whatever it's called, Age of Extinction, I think, but ended up renting Blended instead. Lately I've been entertained by stupid, easy, has-been-starred movies. Was it exactly the same as Just Deal With It? Yep. But who do I think I am? Am I an edgy film student who can't be bothered with movies that aren't "films?" Maybe I once thought I was, but that was ten years ago. Now I'm the tired mid-thirty-year-old mom who wants a few silly laughs before a ridiculously early bed time. Who has the time or energy to invest in quality filmmaking? Just shut up and watch a dumb, harmless movie. Okay, to be fair I do hate on a lot of movies, when this post kinda reads like I love all of them. But brain-dead Adam Sandler movies at least have comedic moments, when a lot of other movies don't. I just don't take myself too seriously that I can't relax, untwist the "pan ties" (you have to watch the movie to get it) and enjoy a stupid movie every once in awhile... or often.

The Other Woman

Let's get one thing straight, Leslie Mann is hilarious, and has been since George of the Jungle, (at LEAST.) It's because of her I watched this movie, and she did not disappoint. But the movie, on the other hand... well it didn't disappoint either because I didn't expect a lot out of it. It's like John Tucker Must Die. And it's like pretty dull. They replace plot with forced scenes, and I'm really only saying crap like that because it sounds like I know what I'm talking about, and I worry that I haven't "sounded" like I know what I'm talking about enough lately. Yeah. I've stopped trying to prove that I know what I'm talking about a long time ago. Can't you just know and get over it?

Who cares? Nobody's reading this. ;)

Noah

I Red Boxed Noah. For those of you who haven't yet seen it... don't bother. It's boring and awful and there's NOTHING ABOUT IT THAT'S GOOD. There's NO POINT FOR IT TO EXIST, except for me to write a few sentences about.

It's so boring I can't even bring myself to tell you much about it. Know this: rock monsters, crazy murderous Noah, and boring.

Remember those horrible movies from the 70's and 80's with puppet monsters in them, and they were awful? It reminds me of that. It's THAT bad. Russel Crowe... what are you doing? 

Frozen Reflections

I watch Frozen a lot. So I notice stuff. Take this -

Anna tells the Duke of "Weaseltown" that she is completely ordinary, but is that true? The woman doesn't sleep! We see her before "For the First Time in Forever" waking up, but the rest of the movie, about 3 days, she goes without sleep! Meanwhile, I really suspect that's all Elsa does once she builds her palace.

Guardians of the Galaxy and Star Wars

Ever watch a movie and suddenly think, "Hey! This is Star Wars!" Well, every movie is some other movie, and this one, ladies and gentlemen, is Star Wars. It became apparent once Rocket and Groot showed up and were so obviously Han and Chewbacca. You have Star-Lord who's looking for his father, and has a super power not yet unleashed. You have a woman. You have Yondu who plays a nice Lando. It all fits quite nicely into a nice little Star Wars shell.

We've talked about movies being Star Wars before. Hey. HEY! Don't be mad. I'm not dissing Guardians of the Galaxy. I like Star Wars.

Frozen lyrics and why they're just awful

You know those lyricists who must sleep with a thesaurus under their pillows, because they're inventive, their rhymes are miraculous, and they turn their phrases to fit perfectly with the music? Well, the Frozen lyricists are not these people.

You know I love Frozen! But I have zero tolerance for lazy lyrics. The lines that big me most, and scream, "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!" are lines such as the one Elsa sings in "Thr First Time in Forever (Reprise.)" she sings, "There's so much fear. You're not safe here." Come on guys. Take a little bit more time and figure out a better way of saying that so Elsa can say things someone would actually say. People don't say, "There's a lot of fear being experienced right now... by me." We're much less passive. We say, "I'm scared." "I'm afraid." "I'm going to slip into a panic-induced coma; don't mind me." If they thought just for a few seconds longer, perhaps they could have come up with something like, "I'll die of fear." Or if that wouldn't work, maybe, "Beware of fear." Or "I'm plagued by fear." And that's just off the top of my head.

This sloppiness happens a couple of times throughout the movie.

On a related note, does anyone else see this movie as a big apology for their legacy of films? They've made billions off of movies that have promoted love at first sight, and even changing other people, (like in Beauty and the Beast, although, to be fair, Belle didn't fall for the Beast until after he changed, so the movie never did promote girls trying to change their boyfriends/husbands, as so many claim.)

So that bugs. But I love the movie.

Often people ask, "What's so great zag out Frozen? Why does everyone love it?" 1. It's easy. It's not depressing. (Have you ever watched Beauty and the Beast while you were clinically depressed? It's not a happy movie! {Although beautiful!}) 2. The music doesn't suck. (You know who you are, Tangled.) 3. O.L.A.F.

Divergent

I read the book because a 14 year old said it was her favorite book...

so I wasn't too surprised to not love it. The writing is so awful that at times I wanted to chuck it across the room for being drab. (I guess I've been spoiled by Patrick Rothfuss.) It is SO much like Matched that it's embarrassing,  except Allie Condie is a better writer.

But that's the book, the movie is different... but not much. Movies do not differ much from books the way they used to. If you saw About a Boy and read About a Boy then you can witness that these are almost two completely different stories. Divergent's movie felt more like a different draft of the book that was neither better nor worse.

I liked the actors. Peter, Will and Al looked too much alike, especially for how little they were mentioned.

But who cares? The point is this movie is boring, and the book was boring, and I don't know why I keep wasting my time with it.




















I'll probably go see the sequel.

Great Expectations

The terrific cast did not stop this movie from being slow, dull, and worthless. I wouldn't say I hated it, but if I never see it again I wouldn't care. I loved the hair, makeup and costumes, but was so bored that I very nearly sent it back to the Red Box from whence it came without finishing it.

Mud

I hate this movie and all movies like it.

It had four stars on Amazon. This only confirms that people love being bored; they think they're being educated. I have no tolerance for slow, boring movies, especially not slow, boring, predictable movies.

Positives: Matthew McConaughey

But, sadly, as we saw with Fool's Gold, he is not enough to save a movie.

So, two kids, (one who's personally is perpetual swearing,) find Matthew McConaughey hiding out on a deserted island in the Mississippi. Neither of them tell their parents/guardian.

Which, of course, they really should have, because this guy's totally running from the law. But, it's okay; he's a nice criminal. So, Matthew tells the kids he'll die if he's ever bit by a poisonous snake again, like the ones in a little pond a couple hundred feet from where he lives in a boat in a tree. But, of course, a lot of boring stuff happens then one of the kids, (who doesn't always drop the SH bomb,) gets all kinds of mad at Matthew, (whose name is Mud,) he gets all kinds of mad at Mud and runs off and falls into the snakes. Magically, only one of the snakes bite him and only once. So Mud, risking his life, jumps in and saves the boy. (Don't worry, Mud doesn't get bit.... Were you worried? Oh okay. I wasn't either.) So latter Mud gets his boat working and drops by the kid's house on his way out of town to check in on him, and the bounty hunters start shooting everything up looking for Mud. All the shooting makes the kid's parents realize how much they love their son, and how much they've been neglecting him.

You'd think if all it took was a bunch of guns going off the parents would have realized how much they loved their son earlier. I mean, they live in the swamp.

Everyone ends up fine... except those who watched the movie who end up angry and annoyed.

Molier

One of my professors at CSUB said, "Who is the greatest French writer?" To which you would answer, "Molier." Then he would say, "Shakespeare translated into French." My teacher was pretty funny. But that's besides the point.

This movie, Molier, kind of takes a page from Shakespeare in Love. It follows Molier as he goes about a life that parallels his plays. However, Shakespeare in Love blew, and Molier is actually witty, funny, well-acted, and clever.

Did I mention witty? It's not often that I'm blown away by someone else's dialog.

21 Jump St.

TV, please do a better job editing your movies. I'm looking especially at you FX.

Anyway, some of the editing was choice, like when he called it a "fancy" car instead of... you know. But there was still a lot of stuff that no one in their right minds should be calling TV14.... Well, okay, there was one thing.

Anyway, about the movie. It was fun, and funny. I liked it a lot. I loved 21 Jump St. when I was a kid, and this was surprisingly a decent movie. It could have EASILY been PG13, or shoot, PG, if they trimmed off the fat. It's disappointing when they make movies like this R. It would have gotten a lot more money if teenagers could have gone to see it. And, I mean, it's 21 Jump St! Did you read the part where I wrote I watched it as a KID? Yeah. I know all those who watched it in the 80's are now in their 30's, but... COME ON! Teenagers would love that movie.

Anyway. As it is, I can't recommend it, even the TV14 version.

Frozen Fascinations and Fractals

First, let's start with the last. Fractals. Illuminate your mind here.

Okay. That was mostly included because it started with an F, and was mentioned in "Let it Go." And you can't have a blog about Frozen without mentioning that song. You just can't.

So, let's get on with the fascinating Frozen talk, or, Frozen Speak.

Or let's do it later. I'm busy.

And the winner is...

GASTON




That's right. Gaston here, from Beauty and the Beast, is our ultimate villain idol (at least as far as singing goes.)

Villain Idol: Round 2: Top 6

Hans and Gaston were tied for first. Scar and Dr. Facilier are tied for last.Ursula and Mother Gothel hold firm... for some weird reason.

Our top six is:

Hans

Gaston

Ursula

Mother Gothel

Scar

Dr. Facilier

Which means we say so long to...
Frollo who sings the greatest villain song ever.

Jafar who has MASTERED the evil laugh.
Oogie Boogie who sings an amazing, and inventive song.
Shere Khan who sings one of the lowest notes I have ever heard.

The scores tonight were:

HANS 43

Gaston 43

Ursula 30

Mother Gothel 19

Scar 14

Dr. Facilier 14

Shere Khan 10

Frollo 6

Oogie Boogie 4

Jafar 3

DISNEY VILLAIN IDOL

So, I pulled every ANIMATED Disney Villain that opened their mouth to sing, and these are they who made the list:

Honest John from Pinocchio
Bram Bones from The Legend of Sleepy Hallow (The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad)
The Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland
The March Hare from Alice in Wonderland
The Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland
The Flowers from Alice in Wonderand
The Pirates from Peter Pan
Mad Madam Mim from The Sword and the Stone
Shere Khan from The Jungle Book
Kaa from The Jungle Book
King Louie from The Jungle Book
The Sheriff of Nottingham from Robin Hood
Sir Hiss from Robin Hood
Ursula from The Little Mermaid
Gaston from Beauty and the Beast
Jafar from Aladdin
Oogie Boogie from The Nightmare Before Christmas
Scar from The Lion King
Ratcliffe from Pocahontas
Frollo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Dr. Facilier from The Princess and the Frog
Mother Gothel from Tangled
and the villain from Frozen

Our top 14 is:
The villain from Frozen

Frollo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Dr. Facilier from The Princess and the Frog
Mother Gothel from Tangled

Ursula from The Little Mermaid
Gaston from Beauty and the Beast
Jafar from Aladdin
Oogie Boogie from The Nightmare Before Christmas
Scar from The Lion King
Shere Khan from The Jungle Book
King Louie from The Jungle Book
Honest John from Pinocchio
Bram Bones from The Legend of Sleepy Hallow (The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad)

But sadly, we can only have a top ten. So, here are the three who are eliminated:

Gaston, JUST KIDDING. He's safe, and will go on to the next round. But sadly, these guys won't...

Bram Bones. Bram is going home because the same dude did his voice as the dude telling the story, so it's a little strange, but, while awesome, I just don't think he's going to last in this competition. I love the voice, but I'm not sure it stood out enough to stand the test of time.

Honest John from Pinocchio, for the same reason.

King Louie from The Jungle Book, mostly because a more phenomenal villain voice eclipses him in the movie, let alone on this list.

So, our top ten is...


The villain from Frozen

Frollo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Dr. Facilier from The Princess and the Frog
Mother Gothel from Tangled

Ursula from The Little Mermaid
Gaston from Beauty and the Beast
Jafar from Aladdin
Oogie Boogie from The Nightmare Before Christmas
Scar from The Lion King
Shere Khan from The Jungle Book

Voting is open. Tomorrow we will narrow it down to six, then to four, then to two, then to one. Thanks for voting!

Male Edition Winner:

And the winner is...

Jack Skellington

The Pumpkin King.

Here he is singing "Poor Jack" Because that song is awesome.

The votes stood at:

Jack Skellington 70
Quasimodo 50

Round 5: 2 Left

Our votes ended tonight with:

Jack 40

Quasimodo 37

Aladdin 36

Gaston 33

Willie the Whale 12

Scar 10

So, we said ta-ta to Aladdin, Gaston, Willie, and Scar. 

I give you, our final two:

Jack

Quasimodo

Here are some bios of these fine voices, so you can make an informed decision.

Jack Skellington

You might recognize his speaking voice as Prince Humperdink from The Princess Bride. But you might recognize his singing voice from Oingo Boingo. Front man Danny Elfman, (world famous for not just the band, but for composing thousands of movie scores and theme songs including The Simpsons, the 90's Batman theme, most Tim Burton movies including The Nightmare Before Christmas, etc.)

What I love about Danny Elfman's voice is that he makes the melody come to life. Danny Elfman is known for utilizing the voice as an instrument, and his own voice is no exception.

I heard he cast himself as Jack's singing voice after having listened to far too many auditions that didn't get it right, so he said, "I'll do it myself." And boy did he!

Here's my favorite song he sings: Jack's Lament (1:53 is my favorite part.)

Quasimodo

Tom Hulce both sings and speaks for our cuddly hunchback, but you might recognize him as Mozart in the 8 Oscar winning 1984 movie Amadeus. (One of those Oscars going to Mr. Hulce himself.) Tom Hulce also performs on Broadway.

Here's my favorite song that Quasimodo sings: Heaven's Light. (Let it play to also get Frollo's Hellfire.)