Monday, August 6, 2012

15 Reasons Why Pocahontas is Better Than Avatar:

Disney is letting Pocahontas out of the vault. I'm sure most of you are excited, while the other most of you could care less. I'm also aware that many of you say, "Avatar is Pocahontas set on a different planet in the future." or some such, and technically I would agree with you. However, Pocahontas is a MUCH better movie than Avatar, and for that reason, and others, I'm gonna get myself a copy when it's finally re-released.

15 Reasons Why Pocahontas is Better Than Avatar:

1. The Music! My personal favorite Disney female aria is "Just Around the River Bend." And while some songs just suck, "Mine, Mine, Mine" is pretty darn awful, the songs are still fun, have something interesting in them, and they're just not terrible! Meanwhile, Avatar is void of awesome singing.

2. Pocahontas has Christian Bale (left) in it. I bet you didn't even know that.

3. I bet you also didn't know Judy Kuhn (Les Miserables' Cosette,) sings the voice of Pocahontas.

4. I bet you did, however, know that Mel Gibson's in the movie. He was also in Braveheart. The lead male in Avatar was also in Clash of the Titans. I think Mel wins, (we'll ignore his real life antics.)

5. Pocahontas has amazing art. Avatar's art is stolen from Lothlorien.

6. Pocahontas strays like crazy from actual events. Avatar is complete nonsense.

7. Pocahontas  doesn't need to be in 3D to be at all interesting.

8. Pocahontas has this part where John Smith is about to kill her, but then he doesn't because she keeps staring at him. Avatar is lame.

9. Pocahontas has one of my favorite stock character traits: the dude who learns to shoot again. Just like Carl Winslow at the end of Die Hard learns to use his gun to kill again, and the audience cheers, so does Thomas learn to try his hand at shooting one more time, and success! Well, the success isn't as cheer-ific as the one at the end of Die Hard, but still! Don't we all love that moment when the guy conquers his fears of killing?

10. Liking Native Americans unto a gnarly alien race is just plain wrong. And the way they manipulated the horse-things was just sexual and disgusting. Meanwhile, Pocahontas has cute little critters!

11. Pocahontas does crazy things like jumping off water falls, and spitting water at her annoying friends. I don't remember any spitting in Avatar. And they call this movie entertaining!

12. Pocahontas is an inspiration to all people. The only inspiration I felt during Avatar was to leave the theater and go sneak into The Young Victoria.

13. The preview for Pocahontas was just a super preachy song. The preview for Avatar was... I don't remember. And what does THAT tell ya? (Because I have no idea where I'm going with this.)

14. Look what I can do! **stands on one hand**

15. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I think I've made my point.

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