Sunday, November 27, 2011

Green Goblin, Green Lantern, Green Hornet, Green Arrow and Greenzo

We all get confused trying to remember which Green superhero/villain is which. We end up figuring it out and then we realize that we've spent too much time thinking about really lame super heroes. So I'll spare you a definition of each one.

Besides, this post isn't about which one is which, (unlike my Aragorn, Aragog, Eragon post.) This one is about which one of these green superheroes really deserves the fore name GREEN.

We'll start with the Spider-man villain The Green Goblin. The first Green Goblin, (Norman Osborn,) was played in the movies by the awesome Willem Dafoe, while the second Green Goblin (Harry Osborn,) was played by my sister's "boyfriend," James Franco. Norman enjoys being rich, trying things out for himself, and blowing things up with jack-o-lantern grenades. However, does OSCORP, Norman's company, ever donate to Green Peace? Is that Goblin-Glider biodegradable? And how many toxins were dumped into the ocean in the making of that strength serum? I don't even want to think about it!

The Green Lantern comes to us from our friends at DC. I know; DC is responsible for a lot of stupid superheroes, but we always forgive them because they give us Batman. So, if you remember my post about The Green Lantern then you might remember that there are oodles of Green Lanterns. Some are tall, some are short, some are aliens, some are Mark Strong. The important thing to remember is that at the end of the movie Hal Jordan saved planet Earth. Now, that's pretty green... even if the movie sucked.

The Green Hornet started as a radio show, then was a film serial, then hit TV waves in the 60's, and then tried to ruin our lives in theaters very recently. His main appeal is that he poses as a villain. Ooooooooooh. Even though we are ENTHRALLED by that concept, the Green Hornet is, sadly, hardly an asset to the environment driving around in the technically brilliant Black Beauty all day. I mean, is Black Beauty a hybrid? It doesn't look like it!!!

Now let's talk about DC's other green clad hero, Green Arrow. (Why they couldn't make one of these guys purple I'll never know!) Green Arrow was really good at something, but I forget what... Oh wait! I know! He was good a shooting arrows!!! That's it! I knew I would think of it! He was really rich. His name was Oliver Queen, (that's right, QUEEN, even though he's not the Purple Arrow,) and he became, like, a regular on Smallville for some reason, around the time I stopped watching that show. Ahem, anyhow, he's like a smash-up of Batman's utility belt and Robin Hood. He has all these arrows that do different things, probably very conveniently. (How much you wanna bet he's got a shark repellent arrow in there somewhere?) To be honest, he's really boring and doing research on him bores me to death, so I'll just say that arrows are made out of wood. They're biodegradable, but how many trees does he have to cut down? I mean... who uses arrows anymore? Larper!

So at last we come to Greenzo, and you may not even know who he is. He's relatively new. He appears in an episode of 30 Rock. He's played by Friends's David Schwimmer. Greenzo was created to spread the word about green this and green that. He started out as a desperate actor named Jared, who agreed to go on NBC talk shows and talk about the earth. Jared started out pretty right-wing, but quickly became obsessed with the power his alter-ego, Greenzo, possessed. He became consumed by Greenzo and completely detached himself from his true identity. He became mean and hurtful, and worst of all PREACHY! While he shared a very green message to millions, he also gave the earth a bad name by representing it with mean harshness.

Who was the most green? I'll leave it for you to decide.

Thanks, Steph.


  1. I think the "greenest" super hero was Captain Planet, and he didn't even have "green" in his name.

  2. what about Luigi from Super Mario Bros?