Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Newest 3 Musketeers

Why do they call them 3 Musketeers when there are only two ingredients - chocolate coating and fluffy center? I just don't get it.

But, oddly enough, that question has nothing to do with the plot of the latest The Three Musketeers. The last time this Dumas-novel-turned-movie was attempted it was by Disney, came with an uber-cheesy "All for One" theme song which is regrettably stuck in my head, a man who we would one day know as Jack Bauer, and Chris O'Donnell. This movie seems to be attempted at least once a decade, yet another Dumas classic, The Count of Monte Cristo, is a better story, and a better dessert, yet is rarely moviefied. What gives?

This time the movie was made by Summit (who also made Twilight,) and instead of Chris O'Donnell as our young hero, we have Percy Jackson, (I would appreciate it if Logan Lerman replaced Shia Labeouf in absolutely everything.) Instead of the Countess D'Winter played by Rebecca De Mornay, we get Milla Jovovich. (While she does a horrendous job acting in this movie, we still love her.) And because no one will ever hire Charlie Sheen ever again, he's not in the movie and in his place as Aramis, we have Luke Evans who looks like Orlando Bloom, and will be in The Hobbit. You might also recognize him from the regrettable Clash of the Titans. He played Apollo. But don't be too upset, Orlando Bloom is actually in it. Although, maybe you should stay upset, he does a really crappy job. Orlando Bloom does not make a good villain. Who's idea was that?

I thought all the business with the King and Queen was really sweet, and I found myself amazed that I cared about the characters, something I didn't realize until D'Artagnan was fighting the dude from Casino Royal, (you know, the one who cried blood.)

Anyway, some of the cast was good, some of the cast was dreadful, the plot was succinct and action driven, there were real relationships in danger, and all in all, while it was terrible, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Yes. I had a good time. I actually might go as far as to say I recommend it. It was a terrible, and fun, movie.

It kept all the best parts of the 1993 version and improved upon them for the most part. It was naturally full of cheese-ball lines and crappy dialog, but it's a THREE MUSKETEER MOVIE! What do you expect?

If only they could make a 3 Musketeer movie without EVER saying "All for one and one for all."

My biggest problem was the ships landing on top of Notre Dame cathedral. You know they only did that so D'Artagnan could fight on the roof. It really bothered me though. I had to cover my eyes. If you want to fight on the roof of Notre Dame, don't film a Dumas novel; film a Hugo novel.


  1. theres always at least 4 musketeers! it annoys me! I really like your 1st 2 paragraphs tho! hilarious!

  2. Have you read the book G? There are 3 Musketeers. Plus D'Artagnan, who is trying to become a Musketeer.

  3. You know, the Backyardagians did a great version of the 3 Musketeers.

  4. I did.. it always seems to count as 4 anyway.