Thursday, December 27, 2012

Why You Haven't Seen The Hobbit And Why You Should

You haven't seen The Hobbit because it's splint into 3 movies, and that exasperates you. You may have other reasons, but I don't care. The truth is, you ought to go see the movie. So go see it.

Oh, still not convinced? Okay, so I'll tell ya a bit about it. They added an orc dude. He's pale and he rides a big pale wolf-thing. He's not very nice. The idea is that Thorin, (King Under The Mountain,) cut Mr. Pale Orc's arm off, and orc-dude wants revenge. This little plot insert is kind of... well, differenter. It wouldn't be much of 1/3 of a story without this major villain keeping us going. You take out orc-dude, and we're left with a dragon that's really far away, a necromancer who we're not sure is much of a threat to anybody besides bunnies and pooh-stained wizards. And then there's Gollum, who's pretty easy to ditch once you turn invisible. But, on the other hand... we're not really all that interested in this orc-dude side plot, because we've read the book and we've seen the cartoon, and we know it's the dragon and the war at then end that we really have to watch for.
Then there was the other orc, the orc with the ugly neck. He reminded me of Boss Nas from Episode One. And you know what we say about Episode One, right?    
I almost wish this movie had come out before Lord of the Rings, because then we would have been more afraid of Gollum. Those who do not know The Hobbit, have no reason to fear Gollum. When I saw Lord of the Rings, I was surprised at how unafraid of Gollum I was, because the cartoon Gollum was terrifying! But it wasn't the cartoon version that was terrifying, it was The Hobbit version of Gollum. This Gollum's main desire is to eat Bilbo, while The Lord of the Ring's Gollum's main desire is to get the ring back, never mind eating.
The Hobbit is more jovial than The Lord of the Rings,as orc-Boss Nas so kindly reminds us, but it's DEFINITELY not for children. About 5 creatures get their heads chopped off, there's some gutting, and it's just a little... disgusting at times. Don't take your little ones to see this one. It's not a cozy PG-13; it's a down-right disturbing PG-13. A little more blood and it could have been R.

Did that not convince you? Oh well. I kind of don't care. I found the movie enjoyable, although I really, really wish, like you, that it was all just one flippin' movie.

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