Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Now, I haven't seen this movie, nor am I going to, but I feel that that shouldn't impede my ability to write an accurate critique about it. Observe.

"The tale of Conan the Cimmerian and his adventures across the continent of Hyboria on a quest to avenge the murder of his father and the slaughter of his village."

Whatever that synopsis was, it reminded me of a Tick quote -
"It's French."
"Sounds Made-Up to me."

Actually, it just sounds like every other movie EVER.

I picture this movie to be a LOT like 2010's Clash of the Titans, or Prince of Persia. Now, the first Conan movies were developed by a bunch of nerds who thought a movie about a big buff dude would rock, (sure, who wouldn't think that?) These movie-making peeps may have lacked brain cells, but hey, at least they had a vision. However, this new version lacks brain cells and vision. I guaran-freaking-tee you that the makers of this movie made this movie hoping fans of the old Conan would follow it into the year 2011, and therefore they wouldn't have to do such tiresome things as "develop characters or plot." Evidence of this claim is supported by the fact that the movie is shown in 3D. ALL 3D movies are not made because of a vision, but because people will eat up the garbage. (And if people eat garbage, then we don't have to fear the Wall-E-esk apocalypse!) More supporting evidence can be found in the lack of stars. We've all learned to fear movies with all-star or big-star casts, (The Tourist, I'm looking at you,) but we must also fear movies with no-star casts. The biggest star in this cast is the washed-up Rose McGowan....

This is not a film, this is an advertisement for previews. I hope those of you that went to see it at least got a Hunger Games preview.

And, those of you who saw it, lemme know what you thought... 'cause there's a chance I could be wrong.... Small chance.

Now, where's Conan the Librian? 'Cause THAT I would pay money to see.


  1. Conan the Barbarian is still one of my favorite movies, ever. Its every man's Id fantasy. Muscle-bound, angry, avenging, violent, not-too-cerebral, conqueror, and sometimes he gets a little on the side. I'm more than curious about this new movie, just not enough to go see it. Arnold was a great Conan for many obvious reasons, I wonder how this new guy will fill his EEENOhmus boots.

  2. really? I disliked both the Conan movies. I was expecting some epic...and Arnie ruined it. yet another reason the only movie I liked him in was The Expendables. ok T2 and Kindergarten Cop were ok...

    I saw this movie. I expected it to be bad. I was wrong. not saying its a must see, just I enjoyed it. it was a fun story.

    wouldnt call him my Id fantasy, sorry. but then again I dont like westerns, so w all know I'm broken.

  3. oh and I liked prince of persia

  4. Grant, you've surprised me again, and if I didn't know you personally I'd even be tempted to argue my point but instead, I have to agree with you. Conan isn't everyman's id after all, just almost everyman's id, almost.

    and Prince of Persia was predictable and dull.