5th Element

Have you seen Stardust? It's the exact same movie as 5th Element. There's a super powerful woman who is useless until the end where she won't use her power until the lead man tells her he loves her, then she unleashes this armageddon that would have come in handy earlier. (Although, in 5th Element she couldn't have unleashed it earlier, but there's no excuse in Stardust.) 

5th Element is just plain awesomeness. Why aren't you watching it right now? 

The Truth Hurts

My friend Amy showed me this link. I had to post it.

http://xkcd.com/653/

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

We all know that Pirates 2 and 3 were horrible. (Right? Tell me we can all agree on this, people.) This one's better than 2 and 3, but not better than 1. And this one's a little dull. At first I thought it was dull because I've played the movie via Pirates of the Caribbean Legos on the PS3, but my husband, who hasn't played the game, was bored too. He almost fell asleep in fact, and we saw a matinee!

You know how sequels take some random hilarious event or line in an earlier movie and make it mean something? For example, remember when Jack's about to hang at the end of the first one and they're reading his crimes and they say, "Impersonating a clergy." And Jack gets a grin on his face, "Oh yeah." Well, this movie draws upon his impersonating a clergy crime. Can't something just be funny? Leave it alone!!!!

I'm fond of Geoffrey Rush, but I'm sick to death of Barbosa. I don't know why... I think it's because his skin looks like it's peeling off and his fingernails freak me out. He's awesome though. One of the most interesting things about the movie. But this movie drags.

Here's another complaint for ya, you know how in the first one Jack was always some how in charge of the situation, and it was all over the place and fantastic? In this one he is never in control of anything. Which is just kind of... not the point. Plus, in this one he's finally the protagonist, where in the first 3 movies the protagonist was Will, which means Jack didn't use to have to be predictable, and now he does.

Remember Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Well, this is the same movie, except instead of Nazis we have the British Navy and Blackbeard. And instead of Sean Connery, we have Penelope Cruz (Angelica.) Throw in the Spanish, a few man-eating mermaids, and some religious dude, and you're good to go.

Spoilers:
I have a few questions. First, the Spanish find the fountain of youth just to destroy it? Really? Really? Second, Jack Sparrow saves Angelica's life then leaves her on a deserted island for some strange reason.... She wasn't a threat to him. She didn't do anything to him... I mean, what's his motivation here? And at the end when Syrena grabs Philip and swims off... where the heck does she take him? I thought she was gonna grab the goblets and save his life, but.... I have a theory about where she takes him, and it goes "she ate him."

Maybe I would have liked it better if I saw it in 3D....

The Tourist

Do I need to warn for spoilers? And is it a spoiler when the movie is painfully predictable? Anyway...

FYI, there's another movie out there that this is kind of mimicking, (although not as obviously as The Truth About Charlie.) The movie is Charade starring Audrey Hepurn and Carry Grant. If you haven't already seen it, go now. This can wait.

So, the cops are searching for Alexander because he owes back taxes, quite a bit of back taxes. Alexander is, as my nephew would say, Angelina Jolie's "friend." And Alexander likes his plastic surgery. His favorite past time is apparently getting a face change. So he sends a note to Angelina Jolie telling her to find a man on the train who fits his height and build, so as to lead astray the police. Angelina Jolie finds Johnny Depp, who, low and behold, an hour later turns out to be... wait for it... Alexander.

So, many of the reviews for this movie lay into it. But The Tourist wasn't that bad. Come on, guys. Ease up. It did use the highest paid female actor and the highest paid male actor, (a classic ploy to entice otherwise uninterested viewers.) But I swear it wasn't that bad. Sure, it dragged, it was filled with filler, and it was predictable....

Which brings me to today's lesson, brought to you by the letter P. Predictability! Join me in never being surprised again. When watching a movie and you find yourself curious as to what's going to happen at the end, ask yourself one simple question, "If the obvious answer isn't what I suspect it is, does the movie have a point anymore?" For example, if Johnny Depp isn't actually Alexander, then what's the point of movie? FURTHER TANGENT: For this purpose The Sixth Sense is brilliance. If Bruce Willis isn't dead, then the movie still has a point, and his character's wants remain the same as well - (which are to solve Haley Joel Osment's little problem, and to get his wife to speak to him again.) Only the whys change.

Anyway, The Tourist, now officially ruined for you, wasn't that bad.

By the Hammer of Thor!

Like you, I'm a huge super hero fan, but never really got the appeal of Thor. I always thought of the entire Thor series as a pompous losery kind of thing. His weapon of choice is a hammer? Mmmm, okay....

But this movie didn't disappoint. Was it predictable? Sure. Was it chalk-full of the dreaded Natalie Portman, yes, but the movie was not half bad. I'd go as far as to say I like it better than Spider-man 3, better than Batman & Robin, better than both Hulks, better than Superman 4 and Superman Returns put together, better than lots of stuff.

What makes Thor fun is its sense of humor about itself, and Chris Hemsworth, (also seen as George Kirk in 2009's Star Trek,) is perfectly cast. I'm so sick of bland actors playing action heroes just because the casting director thinks action movies only need strongish looking men to pull the part off. (Don't look at me like that, Sam Worthington.)

So, here's the deal, Thor and Loki are gods, they have a dad, (Anthony Hopkins, above,) who is going to name Thor king, but changes his mind because Thor is a little hammer-happy. Thor is banished to Earth (Oh the despair! Anywhere but Earth!) and the king tells Loki that he's not really his son, but of an alien enemy race - the Frost Giants. (But just between you and me, I think he's really from She-Ra. Remember Lo-Kee? Found you this time, you little menace!) So, Thor's on Earth, he can't use his hammer, and apparently he falls for Natalie Portman. Except, the only way we know he's in love is because he says so. Can we get some relation development in here? This movie needs to go to couple's therapy and learn how to have a couple. (That is the point of it, right?)

Eat Pray Love

This movie is on right now, I'm so bored I thought I'd say hello.

Okay, so, the problem with this movie, is that it seems to have been created for the sole purpose of justifying a selfish decision.

Well, that's not the only problem with this movie, just the one that kind of starts the avalanche.

Vince Vaughn was only funny in Swingers

Don't look at me that way. You know I'm right. I mean, let's think about this.
1993 - Rudy - I don't remember him being in this movie. That ought'a mean something.
1994 - At Risk - I've never even heard of this movie.
1996 - Swingers - Awesome movie. Makes his career. He's hilarious.
1996 - Just Your Luck - Again, I've never heard of this movie.
1997 - The Lost World; Jurassic Park - This isn't exactly a comedy, though it is funny. He's not the funny part though.
We'll skip a few more movies I've never heard of and arrive at...
1998 - Psycho - Again, not a comedy.
2000 - The Cell - Not a comedy, just a really weird J. Lo movie.
2001 - Made - I don't think I saw this movie. Is it not Swingers II? The revenge of Swingers or something?
2003 - Old School - Not funny. Just crude. If I wanted crude I'd watch... just about everything else.
2004 - Starsky and Hutch - Forgetable.
2004 - Dodgeball - Boring-ball.
2005 - Be Cool - Gosh, I hate this movie. Should be called "Try Harder." (I think I wrote that in a previous blog.)
2005 - Mr. and Mrs. Smith - This movie is so vanilla. Can we get some characters in here, please? Vince Vaughn is nice in this movie, but... he's no Trent.
2005 - Wedding Crashers - I didn't see Wedding Crashers. Was it any good? Oh really? Shocking.
2006 - The Break-Up - Who wants to see a movie about people breaking up? Breaking up sucks, and so does this movie.
2007 - Fred Claus - Oh yeah, like I actually paid money to see this movie?
2008 - Four Christmases - He's just not funny anymore.
2008 - Couples Retreat - He's trying so hard. Sharks just aren't funny.