Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The Wolverine

I can't tell you how many times I've seen this movie. No. I don't mean I've seen "The Wolverine" more than once, I mean this movie is exactly like 586 thousand other tired movies.

No surprises. No mind-blowing special effects. No plot.

At one point a ninja slices Wolverine in half. HELLO! His bones are covered in a candy shell, a really, really, hard, adamantium candy shell. I'm pretty sure that sword could not cut through him. Oh, unless it's made out of red hot adamantium... apparently.

So, this ingrate wants Wolverine's rejuvenation properties. And Wolverine is like, "No way, bub." And so the ingrate is like, "Oh okay. Well, I'm gonna die now; feel free to go off for the next two hours on this POINTLESS goose chase until I, in a TOTALLY PREDICTABLE TURN OF EVENTS, surface as not-really-in-fact-dead but, rather, Iron Man... or a very poor version of Iron Man... even though I own the number on industry in Japan."

Meanwhile, there's this woman, Mariko, who's like, "My grandpa, the ingrate, died and gave me all his stuff so everyone's trying to kill me, and by everyone I mean my dad, and my grandpa who just "died," so I'm
gonna sleep with you even though apparently I'm engaged to another man who's trying to kill me, but in love with someone else, who, funnily enough, is also trying to kill me. I just meet a man who's not trying to kill me and get all weak in the knees! Kiss me!"

Yeah. Wolverine needs his X-Men friends when he does movies.

No comments:

Post a Comment