The Official Ranking of Star Wars

WORST STAR WARS MOVIE NOT COUNTING THAT LIFE DAY CRAP:

Shut up. This is happening.

Let's just get right into it.

Episode One: The Fartom Menace (I'm sorry. I have a four-year-old boy. I had to.)
I don't have to even explain this one. You know it to be true.


SECOND WORST SAME AS THE FIRST:
Episode Three: Revenge of the Sist
Oh. I'm sorry. Didn't see that coming; did'ja!? Well tough cookie! It SUCKS. It SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS! (I'm again sorry. Truly. My 4yo doesn't let me get away with this kind of language around the house so I'm getting it out of my system.) Would you like a more eloquent explanation? *sigh* Fine. My reasons for hating this movie are threefold.

1. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Really Darth Vader? It was a little... Frankensteiny.

2. She died of a broken heart. WORST. DEATH. EVER. Leia, for example, would never die of a broken heart. (Oh gosh. I hope that doesn't happen in Episode 8.)

3. THAT'S how he becomes more man than machine?!?!?! You know what, Lucas? It would have been really cool if this was a long, drawn-out process. I mean, Smallville's Lex Luthor had more character development than Anakin Skywalker. (Let's let that sink in for a minute. I mean it! Don't read on until you've thought about that long and hard! Stop reading!)

4. Yeah. I couldn't stop at 3. There are so many infuriating things about this movie. But I feel like you know that, but for some reason... you keep liking this thing. So. Whatever. Let's continue.

THIRD WORST: (Yes. We're still on The Worsts.)
Episode Two: Attack of the Clones

This one was ALMOST enjoyable, and had such horrible dialogue that the movie was at least funny. It gave us the big insight into Anakin's character: he hates sand! Now we understand. We understand everything. We see him lose his mind over killing some Sandpeople. This is a guy I want to party with! We have that battle at the end where only Padme gets part of her shirt ripped off, even though she's wearing form-fitting clothes, not giant robes. I mean, you get it; right? Padme was almost killed by snakes... another woman was almost important.... Good times.

Okay. Next.

ROGUE ONE
I like Rogue One, but Rogue One is boring, and Darth Vader is Puns Vader. That ending though! Let's watch it again! (It's not THAT boring. I still very much like it!)


FOURTH BEST:
Say it with me now - Episode Seven: The Force Awakens
Thank you, Disney! Sheesh Louis! Was that so hard!?!?!?

THIRD PLACE AND SECOND LOSER:
Return of the Jedi.
I know. It's your favorite. It was my favorite once too, because I love the part where Luke and Vader are fighting at the end and Vader's like, "If you won't come to the Dark Side then perhaps she will." And Luke's like, "NO!" And the music gets all crazy, and the lights from the lightsabers look cool.... Ahem. But, that scene alone is not enough to beat out the other two movies.


SECOND PLACE AND FIRST LOSER:
Star Wars: A New Hope
It's hard to say this isn't the best one, because it started everything, and is a solid movie. But, whatever.

WINNER...

Empire.
Not even gonna explain it. You should just know.

ACK! FINE I'LL ARTICULATE IT! (But only a little!) So, this movie starts, and it doesn't rely on the last movie to build it's characters. It rebuilds them, and, guess what, they're still awesome! Han goes out into the snow to rescue Luke, his friend, and 3PO tells him "the odds," and that he won't survive, yadda, yadda, yadda, and Han's reply? "Then I'll see you in Hell!" Ahhhh yeah. This is a dude who shot first. (I wonder if Lucas tried to edit it to "I'll see you in H-E-double hockey sticks!" when making the butchered-up versions, but just couldn't get the editing right. Thank goodness, seriously, that Disney bought the rights so Lucas doesn't come back in a few years to re-edit them again.)

All right. That's it. Are you excited to see The Last Jedi? Boy, I am!