2020’s Emma

It took me a while to realize what it was about this movie that was driving me nuts. I love this movie, but it drives me nuts. Then it hit me! It’s over-directed. In its attempt to be *interesting* it’s over-directed, which leads us to... UNREALISM! Oh the dread of something not seeming real! I actually don’t get why things have to be real all the time. But I will say when something takes a step away from reality, it should have a reason... stronger than, “Because we’ve heard this story before and now we have to make it different.” It’s a good story as it is, with solid characters who’ve stood the test of time! They don’t need your cleverness! Oh they’re so proud of how effing clever they are. I’m sorry! Okay? (Spoilers.) Emma’s nose bleed. Not needed. Doesn’t add anything to the moment, or the character. The end. Next topic. The social/distanced dance in the street between Emma and Frank! Oh gosh! It’s so cwoot! They’re flirting! They’re bonding! It’s trash! It’s such cleverly directed slosh-bucket. The butts! Nudity is no substitute for wit. (I stole that from the dowager countess of Grantham, but she said, “vulgarity.” Same thing.) Reminding us that people have butts does not improve your movie. Not to boast, but some of us already knew about butts. Where was I? I raged about the nose bleed, the Covid-dancing... oh! The dance at the ball between Emma and Knightley. You know it and I know it, it was sexual! Have you, don’t answer this, ever had sex while dancing? ‘Cause Emma and Knightley have! In fact, that’s how we, and apparently Emma, discovered they liked each other. Whose eyes are those rolling around? Oh. They’re mine. So freaking clever to make the dance so steamy! Do you see how easy it is to be exhausted by the end of such a witty movie? The movie already has a perfectly capable cast, and one of the greatest stories of all time! The script is delightful! The contrived and overbearing, ridiculous, cuteness added in... excuse me. I have to use the bathroom... to barf.

I’m back. Rant over. Thing is, I really like the movie! I pressure everyone to see it, because NOBODY HAS! The actors are wonderful. If they didn’t all get married by the end, I would have married all of them! The costumes were sometimes a bit too modern-seeming... No. shut up. I’m only talking about good things now! Oh! What the frock was with that score?!?! Sorry. That’s negative again. Gosh darn it! Anyway, you may not believe me, but I really do like the movie. Plenty to enjoy... just... don’t think about it. Okay. That’s all. Bye guys.