Haters Only

It’s been a long while since I’ve posted, but in lieu of the 20th anniversary of Keira Knightley’s Pride and Prejudice, I thought we’d celebrate with a post about how much I hate it.

Usually the praise of this movie centers around aesthetics. It’s pretty, the music is nice, there’s a hand flex, and funny potatoes. All well and good. The hand flex is romantic. The remark about potatoes is humorous. And it might not be so bad if the stupid thing wasn’t supposed to be anything like Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen's beloved classic. But it was so different, it might have been better to call it something else. Pride, Prejudice and Zombies is almost a more faithful adaptation. Both movies add nonsense to dumb the original down--one through excessive giggling and one through excessive killing. “We’re giggling so you know we’re not boring. It’s set a long time ago, but we’re still having fun! We promise!” Ugh. I take it back. Even if it wasn’t supposed to be Pride and Prejudice, it would still suck.

Which is a shame because there’s so much about Pride and Prejudice that we love. So much is lost in this adaptation. We love Lizzie who is sharp and independent. But THIS Lizzie is less so when she’s offended by Darcy’s initial slight. In the book—and better movies/mini-series—she finds it funny. Some say it’s not fair to compare a movie to a six hour mini series that can cover more details. Did the movie not have enough time to make her laugh instead of pout? Did the movie not have enough time to NOT have a pig run through the house? Did the movie not have enough time for accurate representation of historical costumes for the period? Maybe they could have scraped some time off the scenes that stretched on for what seemed like years, of her sitting on a swing, or staring at herself in the mirror, or him walking through a field. Oh my gosh! We get it! He’s walking! 

—Then when he stops walking, after the end of the world has come and we’re all in the hereafter, it gets worse. We get his declaration of love. **shudder** Proceed if you dare.

I hate it so much that I’ve dissected it, line for line, to showcase its abhorrent stain on Pemberley’s shades. 

Prepare yourself! This proposal is on-the-nose and embarrassing. There isn’t a morsel of genuine, natural speech. It’s cliche, and a waste of space. Got your loins gathered? Let’s dive in.

“I love, I love you.” Reminds me of that part in “Singing in the Rain” when they’re making fun of the bad dialogue that’s “I love you! I love you! I love you!” Originality points? 0. Clever points? 0. Romantic points? 0. So far, you suck, Mr. Darcy. 

But it doesn’t improve. “You’ve bewitched me, body and soul.” “Body and soul” is implied, buddy. And “bewitched” is the word people use when they want to look like they didn’t just run out of words. Any time you see it, know within your heart of hearts that the author is being lazy. 100% of the time I hear it and cringe. Stop. Using. This. Word. Use words that actually mean something and are personal.

At last we have the ending. “I never wish to be parted from you.” Okay. And? Do you see how it’s phrased? “It’s SO historic because he used the passive voice!” No. It’s just lazy!

There’s NOTHING in this that you couldn’t take and give to someone else. There’s nothing personal. Nothing that sounds like Mr. Darcy. It’s as if they didn’t finish the script and threw something together. And there are those who believe Jane Austen actually wrote this. My friends, do not read P&P looking for this. You will not find it. 

It is inexcusable and irresponsible for a writer charged with the great honor of adapting a Jane Austen novel to present this kind of bland effortless crap fest. 

As a writer, I spent days writing and rewriting a declaration of love until I got it right. I have zero patience for professionals who refuse to hone their craft. It’s infuriating, and offensive. 

Ahem. Now join me, and tell me what you hate about this movie. Any comments about liking the movie will be deleted, and epically un-tolerated. Thanks for understanding. Haters only.