The Problems With Your Favorite Christmas Movie

Every year TV decides to have a marathon, NO, not of It's a Wonderful Life, not of The Nightmare Before Christmas, not of Die Hard, not even of Elf! It's of the classic, A Christmas Story (1983.) And how did this movie become a classic? By TV playing it over and over! By the Rule of Radio, if you hear something over and over, you start to like it.

While I do at times enjoy parts of the movie, and while I might have laughed a few times, I have some huge moral and un-moral problems with this movie. Why don't I go into depth about what those are right now for ya!

Problem #1. The leg lamp. This is your favorite part about your favorite Christmas movie, is it not? I'm sorry, I think it's the worst thing ever. Even my husband knows how much I hate this lamp, and all the Hallmark ornaments fashioned after it. Sexism is never funny! "Haha, his wife is jealous of a plastic lamp!" That's not funny. In fact, it's a serious problem in America, and jokes about it just make everything worse. Now, if she had smashed that stupid lamp and said, "Dam# straight I broke it! And I'll break your freaking face!" then this movie would rock. That's all it would take! At least she yells, "That lamp was the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire life!" Which is a pretty rewarding moment, but... not as rewarding as it would have been if she threatened to break his face as well, in my humble opinion.

Problem #2. Where's the story? What's the plot? What lesson does Ralphie learn? And what is with that ending? What is with that beginning? It starts with them looking in a store window, and it goes to them standing IN LINE waiting for Santa. Then they go to SCHOOL! Goodness, it's as if they made a movie out of the most boring parts of life. They even have a scene where they change a tire! Snore!

Anyway, I think 2 problems with the movie are enough for one night.

Movie Batman Love Interests

We can go off forever about the different Batmans, but let's go off about their ladies instead, just for kicks.

If we go all the way back to the 60's we can start with Miss Kitka/Catwoman. I love how dense Bruce Wayne is, and how he can solve Riddler's many riddles, but cannot figure out that his lady-friend is Catwoman! Anyway, I love this Catwoman, (right,) or Dorkas as she's known in 7 Brides for 7 Brothers.

Travel ahead a few years to the wee early 90's and we get Vicki Vale, (left.) I have nothing against Kim Bassinger, and I LOVED Vicki Vale when I was a kid, but the last time I tried to watch Batman I wanted to cut my ears off with a toothpick I was so annoyed by her constant screams! And, apart from dreaminess, and blondeness, I couldn't figure out why Batman AND Joker liked her so much.

Let's move on to Batman Returns's Catwoman, Michelle Pfeiffer, (right.) I like her just fine, although she's a little literal. Let's move on again.

We come to Nicole Kidman's Chase Meridian, (below,) in Batman Forever. This isn't the greatest role Nicole Kidman ever played. She spouts a bunch of one-liners and miraculously decides she prefers Bruce Wayne over Batman... which kinda doesn't matter.... Anyway, it's a forgettable role.

Then we get the world's worst movie, Batman and Robin, and our love interest is some super model we see with Bruce Wayne. I don't remember if she has a name or not, nor should I. But we also have to suffer with Uma Thurman's Poison Ivy, (below.) If this were Uma's only role, I would hate her lousy guts! This is her worst acting job EVER, and to be fair, that's probably because she knew the script was stupid and couldn't take the job seriously. However, this woman is just the worst!

Now let's move on to something else that's also "the worst." Katie Holmes's Rachel, (left,) in Batman Begins. Personally, I think Katie was cast because she was in the news a lot that year. She had just married Tom, or they had just had a baby, or whatever, but for whatever reason, she was in the tabloids a lot, and... I guess that made her resume shining or something. As it is though, I don't believe a word Katie says, especially when she has to act like she's talking on the phone. And I don't believe she's an Assistant DA. I think at most she might be a coffee deliverer to the DA.

Then we have the "other" Rachel, a much more talented Rachel, Maggie Gyllenhaal, (right.) She's so much better than Katie Holmes that it's hard to find fault with her at all!

Lastly, we have another Catwoman, (left.) I've already filled you in on how much I hate Anne Hathaway but like her a lot in this role/movie. I hope I like her in Les Miz.

Disney's BEST Characters

To be positive and fair, I thought it best to recognize my favorite animated Disney characters, but only some since there are several. I'm limiting it to 10.

10.

Nope. Not doing this.

Do You Suffer From CATWOMAN SYNDROME?

So many super hero ladies today, and even normal hero ladies, are rogues, (except Rogue.) What I mean is, they're out for themselves. Sometimes they're wicked, sometimes they're on the side of good, and usually they like their super hero dude counter-part.

This is called Catwoman Syndrome. Catwoman, originated as a prostitute who knew karate and stole things. Now-a-days she's a woman who steals things and knows how to fight. She doesn't really kill people, or scare people like The Joker does, and she's not even as psychotic as Poison Ivy. When arrested, she doesn't go to Arkham, she goes to jail. Sometimes she helps Batman, 'cause she finds him dreamy.

Now you might be asking yourself, "Okie dokie, but how is this a syndrome? Who else is like Catwoman?" I'LL TELL YOU! Keep your pants on.

I know very little about Sherlock Holmes except for what's in the movies. But since this is a movie blog, you'll just have to get over it. Irene Adler, played by our favorite Mean Girl, Rachel McAdams, has a sever case of Catwoman Syndrome. She steals stuff, she gets in deep with worse people than herself, and she's more than "just frenemies" to Sherlock. 

WHO ELSE!? Well, The Avengers has brought us a Black Widow, (Scarlett Johansson,) character who, at least in the movie and the new animated TV show, finds Hawk Eye appealing, and has a criminal history. In the movie she's on a path leading her to redemption, but sometimes we see Catwoman on the path to redemption, so we'll go right ahead and completely indict her into Catwomanhood. 

But why does this stock character exist? Probably because if Batman's love interest was Batgirl, or some other hero, we'd all be pretty bored. Even the love-interest Thalia (right,)  is infested with Catwoman Syndrome. We could almost go as far as to say Andrea from Batman Mask of the Phantasm is a kind of Catwoman. (<-- 10="10" a="a" card.="card." case="case" day="day" however="however" i="i" in="in" it="it" m="m" more="more" of="of" playing="playing" rule="rule" s="s" spoiler="spoiler" the="the" this="this" year="year">

Now it's your turn! I can't blog anymore because I'm tired. I had to work early. That's what happens when you don't make enough money writing a blog to support your rock-n-roll lifestyle!

The Top Worst Animated Disney Characters

Disclaimer: I'm not counting straight-to-video movie characters. That would take forever.

10. Nakoma (left) from Pocahontas. Tattle-tale, and over-all lame-o. Side note, did you know that David Ogden Stiers played both Governor Ratcliffe AND his man servant Wiggins? Also, as I've mentioned in a recent post, Christian Bale played the small role of Thomas, and is arguably now a bigger star than the lead male, Mel Gibson, who played John Smith. I know you should know all this, but considering the movie came out so long ago, I'm thinking you might not depending on who you are. You might be one of those people who don't know Heath Ledger and Joseph Levitt Gordon as the kids from 10 Things I Hate About You.

9. Pinocchio from Pinocchio. Don't'cha just wanna grab him and shake him and scream, "Stop being disobedient, you little punk!" I do.

8. Ariel from The Little Mermaid. Whine, whine, whine, bad choice, bad choice, bad choice. Is it horrible of me to say I like her better when she can't talk/whine?

7. Snow White from Snow White. To her shrill voice to her disgusting goody-goodyness... there's just hardly anything about this woman that's not annoying.

6. Dr. Finkelstein (right) from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Creepy d-bag!

5. Pain and Panic (left) from Hercules. Sometimes comic relief goes bad, and sometimes it goes horribly bad. Hades's henchmen are among the most awful.

4. Zazu from The Lion King. Oh man, Zazu. Just shut up already!

3. Ray from The Princess and the Frog. I don't remember what it was about this firefly that I hated so much, but I do remember that I hated him.

2. Hugo (right) from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Perhaps Imagineers felt that in order to happy-up the Gothic Victor Hugo novel they had to add obnoxious comic relief on top of comic relief, (we could have been just as happy with only the other two gargoyles to amuse us, or get rid of them too and leave us to Phoebus who is a lot funnier in this movie than he was in the book.) But for whatever reason, Seinfeld's Jason Alexander voiced the most obnoxious Disney animated character. Even his song was obnoxious.

And have I already gone off about the missed opportunity? Disney named two of the gargoyles after the author of the novel, Victor Hugo. However, Victor Hugo's middle name was Marie. They could have easily named the lady gargoyle Marie, instead, they named her Laverne. Whatever.

FYI, and this is completely off the topic, but did you catch that Hugo is a homosexual? He is in love with a goat named Djali. And Djali is a dude. Esmeralda even refers to Djali as "he" in the movie; Djali's maleness is not just something you'd pick up on only if you read the book. I guess it's not that surprising; Hugo also cross dresses.

1. Terk (left) from Tarzan. Tarzan come out during a time when the world reviled Rosie O'Donnell  but guess what? She's obnoxious, and so is Terk. Terk is one manipulative, bratty, little gorilla, and I don't like her one bit.

Now for the characters my friends wanted to add:
Iago from Aladdin
Madam Mim from The Sword and the Stone
Lefou from Beauty and the Beast
JarJar Binks, since Disney now owns Star Wars. He IS often animated so....
and
Lawrence from The Prince and the Frog.

Thank you friends for your input. Add more in the comments!

Lincoln

With moments of violence and gore, (wars are bloody!) a few N-bombs, (Confederates were racist!) and moments of comedy, (Abe Lincoln was funny!) this movie was de-freaking-lightful.

I'm not sure how else to put it, but I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. It looks like it might not have any comedy in it, and it looks like it might be depressing; it was a really, really good movie.

How's that for an amazing critique?

Shut up. Go see it.

And I was so glad that Sally Field was playing a wife instead of "the mother," (granted, she was a mother to two of the characters on screen.)

The story followed Lincoln's struggle to pass the Emancipation Proclamation. The movie shows what the war was about for Lincoln despite my college American History teacher's claims that the war was all about money. Nope, Mr. What'syourbucket, some people did actually care about the slaves.

It never went deep into his depression... or into his vampire hunting....

Moonrise Kingdom

If you have something to do and you'd like a movie to play in the background while you do it, this is the movie for you. It requires little attention because nothing much happens and the plot is simply enough to follow. You might miss out on some artsy-farsty-ness, but you didn't care about that, did you?

If I had to grade the movie I'd give it C. It's MEH, but it has Bruce Willis in it.

The ending was very sweet.