Defining "All Over The Place."

Disclaimer: Just because a movie is "all over the place" doesn't mean I hate it... it just means I PROBABLY hate it.

So, how can you tell if a movie is, indeed, all over the place. Let's take a look at two study films - 9 to 5, and Jurassic Park.


Now let's put them to the test.

Question 1. Who is the protagonist (lead character)?
Jurassic Park: Sam Neil's character Alan Grant.
9 to 5: Jane Fonda's character Judy Bernly

Question II. What does the protagonist want?
Jurassic Park: Alan Grant wants to not be eaten by dinosaurs.
9 to 5: Judy wants to be treated fairly at work.... only, wait, that's only for the first half of the movie. Later in the movie she is motivated differently and she just wants to not go to prison for killing her boss... THEN she doesn't want her boss to call the cops and report her and her friends, (Lily Tomlin and Dolly Parton.)

And THAT is how we find out what movies are all over the place. Unlike Jurassic Park, the motivation of our main characters, (and thusly, the plot,) keeps changing. This is also the problem in Office Space. It starts as a movie about a guy who gets hypnotized and doesn't feel like giving work 110% anymore, and it changes to a movie about a guy who steals from his company.

Now, it's not that these movies are bad. I actually enjoy 9 to 5 and Office Space. It's just that they change the story half way through. It's sloppy writing. I really wanted to see Office Space end with more elaborate escalation, etc. Instead it ended with an end to a different movie. It's not that I didn't like the new direction, it just wasn't what the beginning of the movie prepared me for. It's like if your parents are driving you to Taco Bell and half way there they change their minds and drive you to McDonalds. Now, you're a kid, and you're stoked either way... but you had your heart set on volcano tacos.

It's like that.

The Greatest Disney Movie of All Time (even in 2D.)

I can't believe this movie first came out 20 years ago, in 1991. 

I started writing a big long list of why it was the best movie, but I decided against it. Besides, I don't need to convince you. You already know it's the best.

I'm so bored; I must be getting edumacated!

The problem with many classic productions, (Shakespeare mostly,) is that the directors and actors and SET DESIGNERS think that the piece ought to be real dull and boring. And the audience loves it! They love telling "less folk" who slept through the performance that, "I found it riveting. I adored the lack of emotion and interest." However, this is a bunch of ridiculous nonsense. Shakespeare should knock your socks off, or it's not being done properly!

And I'm afraid the same thing goes for Jane Eyre. Jane Eyre doesn't HAVE to be boring. Yet, 2011's Jane Eyre directed by Cary Fukunaga, decided to go the boring rout.

Fukunaga's first mistake was casting the dry-as-toast Mia Wasikowska (Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland's Alice,) as Jane Eyre. Forgive me, but women who play Jane need to exert an emotion now and then. Mia's face never read jealous, never read upset, never read sad, never read ANYTHING, except once, and that was a beautiful moment.

Fukunaga's (I just like writing "Fukunaga,") second mistake, was filming too many wondering-around-and-thinking scenes. First, Mia's thoughts were too well concealed, we didn't get that she was thinking AND wondering around. It appeared she just wandered. Second, we're smart cookies; we GET that time passes. Wondering around the hills doesn't need to fill TWENTY MINUTES of movie time!


(Mia Wasikowska (above) "says"-This is my one expression. I'm as bad as Kristen Stewart but no one will say anything because I'm not trendy.)

Fukunaga's best decision, was to hire the incredibly awesome Michael Fassbender, (X-Men: First Class's Magneto.) He was GREAT!

Judy Dench was in it too, and she's awesome.

Jane Eyre should be filled with exiting parts, scary parts, suspense, romance, etc. And it was filled with blah-ness and blank stares. I couldn't bring myself to care for the characters. I even saw the signs, and knew this movie was heading for disappointment during the opening sequence.

In truth, I was too bored to watch the entire movie, and that's nothing against the story of Jane Eyre; I've sat through longer versions, I even sat through reading the book. So, it's not that my attention span is abominable; it's that I have no patience for movies that think they're SUPPOSED to be boring.

2011 Two Word Reviews

I know some of you might be thinking, "But Boon, why did you choose that as the best movie of 2011 and not this other crappier movie that I enjoyed?" So, I decided to add an annual blog. I give you...

2011 Two Word Reviews
In other words, I'm reviewing all the movies I saw in 2011 in an average of two words. Let's do it!

Green Hornet
Unexpectedly dull
Unknown
Too Boxesh
Adjustment Bureau 
Un Boxesh
Limitless
Seen before
Thor
Surprisingly funny
Pirates of the Caribbean IV: On Stranger Tides
Excitingly slow
Kung Fu Pando II
Forgetable. What?
X-Men First Class
Sleazzzzzzzzzzzzy zzzzzz
Green Lantern
So lame!
Transformers II: Dark of the Moon
Worst. Ever.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II
Beautifully done
Captain America
Amazingly charming
Cowboys and Aliens
Perfect Western
The Help
Not funny
Abduction
Not funny enough. (I said "two word AVERAGE")
Three Musketeers 
Better than...
Puss in Boots
Slow. Cute.
Jack and Jill
Hilarious, yes?
Twilight IV: Breaking Dawn Part I
Too bloody
Muppets
Pleasant. Sweet.
Sherlock Holmes II: Game of Shadows
Intriguing. Fun.




All right. That's it. Hope you enjoyed Boonie's first TWO WORD REVIEW!

The BOON Awards!!! 2011!!!!

BEST ACTOR:
The nominees are...
Antonio Banderas in Puss in Boots
Daniel Craig in Cowboys and Aliens
Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean IV
Robert Downey Jr. in Sherlock Holmes II
Jude Law in Sherlock Holmes II
and the winner is...
Daniel Craig in Cowboys and Aliens (because I said so.)




BEST ACTRESS:
The nominees are...
Olivia Wilde in Cowboys and Aliens
Hayley Atwell in Captain America
and the winner is...
Olivia Wilde in Cowboys and Aliens

WORST MOVIE:
The nominees are...
Transformers II: Dark of the Moon
Abduction
Season of the Witch
and the winner is...
Season of the Witch (mostly because it freaked me out.)

BEST MOVIE:
The nominees are...
Cowboys and Aliens
Sherlock Holmes II: Game of Shadows
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II
and the winner is...
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II
This movie was everything a movie should be. Dramatic. Larger than life. Pretentious and well acted by "most" of the cast. It was beautiful.




The contestants were:
Season of the Witch
Green Hornet
Unknown
Adjustment Bureau 
Limitless
Thor
Pirates of the Caribbean IV: On Stranger Tides
Kung Fu Pando II
X-Men First Class
Green Lantern
Transformers II: Dark of the Moon
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II
Captain America
Cowboys and Aliens
The Help
Abduction
Three Musketeers 
Puss in Boots
Jack and Jill
Twilight IV: Breaking Dawn Part I
Muppets
Sherlock Holmes II: Game of Shadows

Love, Wedding, Marriage, Worst, Movie, Ever

To be more than fair, I didn't finish this movie; I couldn't! I wanted to so that I could complain about it, but OH GOSH!

I also wanted to finish the movie because a part of me is horrifically fascinated by bad rom-com... which is redundant.

The script was ridiculously terrible. Mandy Moore was... Mandy Moore. Even though it had a few all right actors, (and one from Twilight!!! Eeeeeeeee!!!!!) nothing could have saved this movie; it was doomed the moment the writer was conceived.

3 seconds into the film... I knew it was horrible. If you know that soon... that's a good sign that you should just turn it off and not waste any more time on it. I was foolish.

Jane Seymour was in it, and she's awesome. I "performed" with her when she narrated Disneyland's Candlelight a few years ago. She never calls; she never writes... I guess she's been too busy making this really bad movie. :(

It was directed by While You Were Sleeping actor Dermont Mulroney, who also directed... nothing, and it was written by Anouska Chydzik who also wrote... nothing, (but she was an assistant for The Wedding Date, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, and Death to Smoochy.) AND Caprice Crane who wrote two episodes of Melrose Place (the new one that I didn't even know existed,) three episodes of 90210 (the new one as well,) and a short called Passing the Time.

Wow. And here I am using my skills to write a blog for free. ;)

The Extraordinary Similarities Between Pirates of the Caribbean and Star Wars

One might even think that Pirates of the Caribbean did it on purpose!

To start the comparison, let's look at character.

The blonde protagonist who is searching for a captured "princess like person" and the truth about his father - Will Turner/Luke Skywalker

The rouge/pilot/captain - Jack Sparrow/Han Solo

The lady - Elizabeth Swann/Princess Leia

Now, Pirates of the Caribbean had two sets of droids. A good set, and an evil set. Both sets came complete with their C-3PO character (the know-it-all,) and their more R2D2ish character, (the funnier one.)
C-3PO - Pintel (pirate) and Murtogg (Naval Man)
R2D2 - Ragetti (pirate) and Mullroy (Naval Man)

Now, plot wise - Will wants to rescue a lady, so he seeks out the help of a rouge "pilot." Together they stop the Empire, I mean the evil pirates, ("evil pirates?" Shouldn't that be redundant?) blow up the Death Star, I mean they steal back Jack's ship, and then they have a big ceremony at the end where they get medals. Okay, they don't get medals, and in fact Jack is almost hung, but what are you gonna do?

In the SECOND (and dreadful) Pirates of the Caribbean, they continue their Star Wars-eskness by putting the Jack/Han character in limbo at the end. Carbonite, Kraken... same thing.

Also notice how Jack Sparrow owes a DEBT to a squid-faced dude, (Davy Jones,) much in the same way Han Solo owes a debt to the slightly rotund Jaba the Hutt. What's with rouges and their debts to ugly guys?

(Look at this ridiculous picture of Han and Jaba. Why did Lucas feel the need to add this scene? It's so poorly done and unnecessary. Han doesn't even look like he's looking at Jaba. And what is Chewy doing? Waiting?!? If I were Chewy I'd be like, "I'm going inside while you talk to this guy." Then I'd go inside, grab a Coke, put my incredibly large feet up, and talk smack about Han and his debts to Luke and Obi Wan. Well... maybe just Luke since Obi Wan keeps holding people back. Captain Bring Down.)

I invite you to find other movies that are similar to Star Wars. Don't take Anacondas II; that one's spoken for.